


Don't Be Scared Of Me

by sparkinmybonfireheart



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Developing Relationship, M/M, crisscolfer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-08 03:46:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3194075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinmybonfireheart/pseuds/sparkinmybonfireheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey, Chris?” he lifts his head and carefully turns me towards him. I gasp and I’m sure he hears it, but he doesn’t say a thing. I hesitate.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” I look into his eyes and suddenly I’m breathless. So close. Too close to me.</p>
<p>“Don’t be scared of me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first time writing RPF, so please be kind.
> 
> Big thanks to Lynne for beta reading!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [lightasparkinmybonfireheart](http://lightasparkinmybonfireheart.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Disclaimer: this story is purely a work of fiction, nevertheless: enjoy!

_Chris_

“Please Darren, don’t.” I close my eyes and let out a shaky breath. I try to still my fingers, trembling and fidgeting at the hem of his shirt. “Please, just…don’t?” My voice is wavering and I hate it, can’t stop it.

His fingers stroke my hair, lingering at the base of my neck. “It’s ok,” he says softly. “Come on, it’s ok.”

He’s so close, too close. His forehead touches mine. I feel the warmth radiating from his body. My heart is hammering in my chest. I know if I don’t back down now, it’s going to come all out and I just can’t let it. It’s too much and not enough. Never enough.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” It’s just a whisper, but he hears me loud and clear. I hear him swallowing. He’s gasping for air and then he lets go. His hands are gone and suddenly I feel cold and I crave for his touch, but at the same time I can’t bear it. He stays close enough though, sensing me, watching me.

“What are you afraid of, Chris?” His eyes go soft. “You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. Not on purpose. You know that.”

Not on purpose, but he’d hurt me anyway. There’s no way I could be this lucky. This lucky to have a man so wonderful wanting me, needing me, loving me and get away with it without getting hurt.

I look up. I look into his eyes, those eyes that betray him every time he takes one look at me. I know he wants me. I know he wants to take care of me. I know he’s honest about this, but I can’t be. I’ve never said the words, try to hide it when it comes creeping up on me. I try to hold it in, never let it show, but sometimes, even when I’m trying so hard, my body betrays me and it leaves me shivering. Shaking. Wanting. He notices. He comes to me. He gravitates towards me, like he can’t help it. I try to fight it and mostly succeed, but every now and then…every now and then I just can’t hold it in anymore and it comes shining through the cracks, this yearning deep inside of me. I’m afraid to think about what this might be. It scares the hell out of me.

*

“Hey sweetie.” Lea smiles and loops her arm through mine. “Sleep ok? You look a bit tired.”

“Ah, you know.” I smile at her and change the topic. “Big rehearsal today. Hope I can get through the day without hurting anyone or ending up at the hospital myself.”

Her eyes crinkle and she puts her head on my shoulder. “Aw, honey, I know you always mean well, but we both know what’s bound to happen at dance rehearsal when you’re around so I wouldn’t bet on it.” She laughs and gives me a pat on the back. “No, seriously, you’ll be alright. Just try not to break anything.” And then she’s off and I turn around and walk into Darren.

“Hey.” He smiles softly. 

“Hey.” There’s nothing more to say. His fingers touch my hand lightly. 

“Okay?” He looks at me and his eyes tell me everything he’s not saying. It makes me want to curl up in his arms and hug him tight. It makes me want to hold him close, closer, closer. I give him a tentative smile instead. 

“Okay.” 

Then it’s time to start rehearsal and for the next two hours I try to focus on my feet, feel the rhythm and move to the music and not harm anyone or anything in the process. Darren’s on my mind though, he always is. I see him moving in the corner of my eye, going through the routine again and again. He’s being his enthusiastic self, putting everything he’s got into it. Like he always does. 

On a 5-minute break I see him gulping down some water from a bottle, his Adam’s apple moving up and down as he swallows. A drop of sweat trickles down his temple. He catches me watching him and gives me a mischievous smile. I roll my eyes at him and try to be casual about it by drinking some water myself and pretending not to stare. I talk to Lea about the first trivial thing that comes to my mind, but I feel his gaze lingering and I know he knows. He knows I’m fighting it, this aching need to watch, to touch, to feel. I take a deep breath and try to ignore the way he stretches his arms and neck, trying to loosen up the sore muscles there. I try to ignore the way his shirt sticks to his body, damp with sweat, the way he laughs wholeheartedly at something Chord is saying, the way he ducks his head when he’s talking. I try to ignore the way he shoots me a look, this warm loving look and the way he shrugs his shoulders when I raise my eyebrows. I most definitely ignore the way he closes his eyes when the music starts again, his head tilted sideways, moving his hands to the music, absent-mindedly making me want him.

*

“This has got to stop, Boo. Come on!” Ashley pokes me in the side. “This guy has you drooling all over him without you even wanting to, but if you can’t help it, then go for it! You’re so head over heels you don’t know what to do with yourself and I know you’re trying to hide it, but you can’t, sweetie, not from me. God, if I wasn’t so happy for you I would almost puke when I see that lovesick look on your face every time I mention his name.” She shoots me a wide grin and then looks at me questioningly. “Well, does the ever so eloquent Mr. Colfer have anything to say about that?”

I shrug and try to play it cool. “It’s just a crush, Ash, it’s no big deal really.”

Ashley shakes her head and points her finger at me. “Don’t you try to downplay this, Colfer, don’t you even try. I’ve seen the way you look at him and I’ve seen the way he looks at you, honey, come on! You’d be a fool to throw this away, he’s so into you!” Then, she continues a little softer: “You know he would treat you right. He fucking worships the ground you walk on, Chris, what’s going on here, why aren’t you in his pants already?”

I roll my eyes at the last part, but still try to avoid this conversation so I’m all of a sudden very interested in my choice of coffee and maybe some cookies or pie at the little coffee shop we’re at. These tactics don’t work on Ashley though, as I should have known. She pokes me again. “Come on, Boo, what ís going on? Spill the beans!”

I figure there’s no way to avoid this, so I might as well talk to her. We sit at a quiet table in the corner near the window and I try to explain, watching the people go by the whole time, trying to avoid Ashley’s gaze.

“I just can’t do it, Ash, I can’t. I mean, sure, every time I look into his eyes I feel like I’m melting and every time I see him talking to someone, playing his guitar, singing, dancing or just walking down the parking lot there’s this aching feeling inside of me that just makes me wanna…” I take a shaky breath and keep looking outside. Ashley doesn’t say anything and I’m grateful for it. “That makes me wanna stand behind him really close and just… just lay my head on his shoulder, let my fingers rest on his skin and just… just breathe.” I feel my cheeks turning red. My heart is beating as if I’d just run a thousand miles.

Ashley puts her hand on mine. “So why don’t you?” she asks quietly. Suddenly there’s a lump in my throat.

“I’m scared, Ash. So fucking scared. Scared of all these things I’m feeling. It’s too much, I’m going to get burned. I don’t know where it’s going, where this is leading me and I don’t wanna lose him as a friend, you know?”

“Oh, honey.” She squeezes my hand. “You two have never been friends. Not really. It has always been so much more than that. You’ve got to take a risk here, Boo. That’s what people do when they like someone: they take a chance. So take your chance and jump his bones already!”

I shake my head. She doesn’t understand. “It’s not like that, Ash. We’re not like that. We’re not just two people who’ll take a chance together and then leave each other when it doesn’t work out, no harm done, never looking back. We’re so much more than that. When we’re together I feel so … connected.” I shrug. “I don’t wanna lose that. I won’t risk losing that.”

“Whatever sweetie, just, don’t think too hard okay? Don’t make it any more difficult than it has to be, you know? Because in the end, if you keep this up, maybe you’ll lose him anyway.”

I sigh and watch the raindrops running down the window. I don’t know what to do, but there’s one thing I do know: I’m not getting over him anytime soon.

* 

“Come on, Chris! You have to come!’ Lea almost whines and then she sing-songs: ‘I’ll even let you pick one of the movies!”

I chuckle. “Yeah, like that’s going to win me over? It’s movie night at your place, which means we’ll end up drinking and talking and dancing and watching no movie whatsoever.” 

And then she actually pouts. “Snacks and free booze then?”

I sigh and roll my eyes dramatically. “Oh, I don’t know …” 

“Oh, come on, Chris!” 

I give her a little nudge: “No worries honey, you had me at ‘free booze’.” 

“Yes!” She fist pumps the air. “See you tonight then!”

*

By the time I get to Lea’s, every good spot on the couch is already taken. I accidentally fell asleep at my desk at home and knocked over half a can of diet coke when I woke up, which earned me a presumptuous look from Brian, by the way. Cleaning up hurriedly and getting stuck in a traffic jam didn’t really help as far as relaxing goes. Amber, Dianna and Chord are discussing the choice of movie, while Harry, Mark and Kevin talk about some new videogame they’ve been dying to try out. Lea waves me over and shoves a drink in my hand. “You can sit over there sweetie.” She points at some pillows on the floor and then gives me a wink. “Told you there’d be booze now didn’t I?” I look suspiciously at the drink she’s given me and decide to pretend to drink it and switch it for something else later. The whole bunch has been trying to get me too drunk too much lately. 

Eventually someone has decided which movie to watch. The lights go dim and all the talking and laughter dies down as the opening credits run over the screen. Suddenly I notice a shadow beside me and I feel the pillows moving. Darren plops down next to me. “Saved my seat for me, did you?” he smiles and my heart flutters. Oh. This is going to be a long night.

*

I haven’t got a clue what this movie is about, not even remotely, because all I can think of is Darren sitting right beside me, breathing and laughing and throwing in some random comments now and again and it makes me nervous and self-conscious. He seems relaxed though, legs spread out in front of him, head laying back against what seem to be Dianna’s feet. My heart is hammering in my chest again and I brace myself as if I need my own arms to hold me together. Then suddenly, his head is on my shoulder and he nuzzles my neck. “Relax, Chris, come on,” he whispers quietly. “Don’t be stressed-out.” His hand lands on my thigh and I get all tense. 

“Sshh. It’s okay sweetie, I’ve got you.” His voice is like honey, soothing me. “I’ve got you, it’s fine, now please relax for me, yeah?” He continues rubbing my thigh smoothly. I slowly feel my muscles relax, but I can’t look at him. I stare at the screen, but I don’t see a thing. At least the room is dark enough and the sound system blurts out whatever discussion is going on on the screen, so nobody notices what’s going on. I hope. “Hey, Chris?” he lifts his head and carefully turns me towards him. I gasp and I’m sure he hears it, but he doesn’t say a thing. I hesitate.

“Yeah?” I look into his eyes and suddenly I’m breathless. So close. Too close to me.

“Don’t be scared of me.” 

I swallow thickly and I can’t seem to find any words. Because. I. Am. Scared. But then his fingers trace a path along my ear, feel the light stubble on my cheek and words are the last thing on my mind. It seems like all the people in the room have vanished somehow because right now, in this moment, there’s only us: me and him and it leaves me shaky and unsure. I close my eyes and feel my fingers trembling as I reach out to touch. I feel his face. I touch his eyes, his cheeks, his lips and it’s so much and not enough at the same time. My breath hitches.

“Sssh, it’s okay, it’s okay.” He whispers sweet nothings into my ear and I almost forget where we are right now. I let myself unwind, starting to relax until I’m all pliant in his arms. Then I feel him smiling against my cheek and I turn to look at him. His gaze is reassuring and heartfelt and in this moment I feel so safe I could stay like this forever.

“Better?” 

I nod, not trusting my voice and then he’s tucking me close until my head rests on his shoulder and his arms hold me tight. He hums along with the music, but I still don’t watch the movie, closing my eyes, inhaling his scent instead. 

*

“Sooo…wanna tell me what’s going on with you and Darren?” Lea stands before me, hands on her hips and a very determined look on her face. Oh God, I tried to avoid her in the parking lot this morning and then we had different scenes so I managed to stay at a safe distance, but now she’s got me cornered. I let out a long sigh. “Oh, no. You too? What’s with the inquisition, jeez. First Ashley, now you.” I shake my head. “Nothing’s going on. Really.”

“Really, huh?” She tilts her head to the side. “Like there was really nothing going on the other night when you two were all cozy and cuddled up in my living room together NOT watching a movie?” 

I feel the heat creeping up my cheeks. Damn. 

“That’s right, sweetie. Thought I wouldn’t notice, did you?” She smiles at me sweetly. “Hey, don’t be embarrassed about it. You two are cute together.”

“We’re not together, Lea! We’re just friends.” 

She nods understandingly. “Uhuh, so did you make out after?” 

*

_Darren_

“We didn’t make out or anything.” I sigh and steal another slice from the pizza Joey is eating at the kitchen counter. 

“Why not man?” he mumbles with his mouth all stuffed. It’s gross, seriously. “Thought you liked the guy so much?” 

“Well, that’s the understatement of the year.” I shrug and shove some pizza into my mouth. “He’s… I don’t know, man. I don’t want to rush things. He’s fragile or something, like … he’s a really strong person who normally seems to know exactly what he wants. When he’s talking business anyway, but… then he’s with me and we’re talking about all this nerdy shit, you know, joking and goofing around and then something shifts and he gets all… vulnerable or something.” 

Joey licks his fingers. “So, you’re saying he’s only like that, when he’s with you?” 

“I don’t know man, I really don’t. It’s kind of sweet actually, it makes me feel like I wanna… I don’t know… fix him or whatever.” I shake my head and take another bite. “No, that’s not it. I mean, it’s not like he’s broken or anything. I just feel like I wanna, uh… I just want to…” I hold up my hands in a helpless gesture. Joey gives me this funny look. 

“Love him?” 

I stop chewing. Joey nods his head slowly. He chuckles and attacks the pizza again. “Dude, you’re so fucked.” 

*

My alarm clock won’t stop buzzing, which is really annoying at 5 in the morning, and I slap the damn thing to try to shut it up. I have to get to set though, so I hop in the shower and quickly put some clothes on, trying not to fall down the stairs while fixing my shirt with one hand and checking my phone with the other. We’re shooting multiple scenes today, so I hope to make it to Mark’s party tonight without falling asleep on the way there. When I arrive on set I look for Chris, but he must have arrived early, because his car is already there but he’s nowhere to be seen. Of course I bump into Lea instead.

“Well good morning sweetie pie!” She hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. 

“Wow, someone had a good night sleep!” I rub my eyes and yawn very loudly. 

“Unlike others?” she shoots me a curious look. 

“No worries, missy, didn’t do anything you wouldn’t do.” 

“Well, that’s not very reassuring,” she grins. “So, wanna tell me what’s up with you and Chris?” 

“Uh… something’s up?”

“Come on, Darren, don’t play dumb. You know exactly what I mean. You two have been walking on eggshells around each other for weeks now. What’s going on?”

I shrug. “Nothing much I guess, just … you know.” 

She looks at me expectantly and I realize that she’s waiting for an explanation of some kind. Which I haven’t got. She throws her arms in the air. “And now I’m so much wiser!” 

“Wiser about what?” 

I never heard him coming. Suddenly Chris is standing there, looking all happy and beautiful, clearly not having any problem shaking off the weariness of filming such long hours. 

“About the reason why our little Dare-bear here is such a dumbass!” Lea looks at me pointedly. I see Chris smiling sweetly and watch the way his eyes crinkle when he looks at me. Then Lea pushes me and I realize I’m staring. 

“Uh, right…” I clear my throat. 

“Still not found the words…” she whispers and takes off.

“What was that all about Dare-bear?” Chris chuckles. “Hey, I kind of like that name, can I…” 

“No!” I wave my finger at him. “No, you can’t!” 

He snickers and automatically lifts his hand to hide his mouth. I reach out and slowly lower his fingers. 

“Don’t do that, baby.” I look at him and watch his eyes go wide and just like that the mood shifts. I’m still holding his hand, standing a little closer than I really should. He bites his lips and I just can’t look away. 

“Hey you guys, ready for a rough day?” Mark pats me on the back. Chord chuckles. 

“And even a rougher night, man! No work tomorrow, so bring on the booze tonight and let’s partyyy!” They both laugh. “Chris? Darren?” Chord looks at me and raises his eyebrow. “Everything ok, man?” 

I clear my throat. “Fine, everything’s fine.” I turn away from Chris and start walking to set. Chord catches up with me and goes on about the party, but I don’t even hear what he’s saying. We have ten more minutes and I’m just waiting for everyone to be ready, trying to clear my mind. Suddenly I sense Chris. I feel him standing really close behind me. He doesn’t touch me, but I can feel his body heat as he leans in close. 

“Going to Mark’s party tonight?” The warmth of his breath gives me goosebumps. God, why does my throat feels so dry? I just nod. 

“Good.” He lingers a bit. Then he’s gone, leaving me there, like he didn’t just take my breath away. I notice Lea watching me, smiling knowingly. She winks at me and I can’t react. I’m just trying to remember how to move my feet. I realize there’s a fighting chance I won’t make it through the day without grabbing Chris, shoving him against a wall and kissing him senseless. Joey’s right: I’m so fucked.

*


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...here's the next chapter, enjoy!
> 
> Thanks to Lynne for editing!
> 
> I'll try to write some more soon...

_Darren_

It’s been an exhausting day and all I would really like to do right now is drive home, put on one of my oldest, softest pair of sweatpants, grab a beer and whatever snack that’s in the fridge, and watch Downton Abbey all night long. It would be even better if Chris was there to watch it with me. He got me hooked on the show, so it would only be fair, now wouldn’t it?  
Unfortunately, it’s not time to go home yet and I doubt I could convince Chris to come with me anyway. I probably wouldn’t even be bold enough to ask at this point. He gets all tense and weird when I’m around lately, and it either turns me into a babbling idiot or makes me shut up entirely. Which is even worse really, because people are accustomed to me yapping like there’s no tomorrow, but when I don’t say anything, they do notice.

I sigh and roll my shoulders. My muscles are really sore and scream ‘shower!’ at me rather loudly.

“Hey honey, are you okay there?” Dianna squeezes my hand and lays her head on my shoulder. “Long day, huh?”

I nod. “Very long day.”

“You’ve been quiet.”

I shrug my shoulders. “I’m fine.”

I hear the smile in her words when she says, “You know where to find me.” Then she turns towards me and hugs me tight. Her eyes are soft when she puts her hand on my cheek. ‘Don’t give up on him yet. It’s difficult for him. He’s got issues and so do you, but you two will find a way.’ She gives me a sweet kiss. ‘I’m done for today but I’ll see you at Mark’s tonight.’ Then she turns and leaves.

Do I have to worry about the fact that she didn’t even say who she was talking about and yet it was so clear for the both of us? The thing I love about Dianna is that she seems to see right through me and it doesn’t even bother me. She’s got this way of letting me know she sees me and cares for me, and then just leaves it at that. I know I can talk to her if I want to, but it’s a relief I don’t have to.

I look up and catch Chris’ gaze from across the room. I’ve been so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even notice him staring at me. He looks away, but in the reflection of the window I can still see the way his lips curl into a tiny smile. Somehow that makes my heart skip a beat. So here we are, both pretending nothing’s going on at all. 

*

_Chris_

I try to make my way through the bunch of guests talking, dancing, drinking and making out, and look for a familiar face. Wow, Mark sure knows a lot of people. Fortunately, I see Lea waving from across the room. She’s talking to Jenna and Kevin, making wild gestures, and trying not to spill her drink. She’s clearly well on her way getting totally hammered. 

“Chris!! You made it!” She launches herself at me, while Jenna and Kevin take the opportunity to sneak off. Bastards.

“Hey, honey. Looks like you’re enjoying yourself!”

“I am! I so am! Mark is great! Look at his house!” She sways on her feet. ‘And look what I found in his kitchen!’ She waves her drink at me and I grab her arm because, seriously, she’s about to fall over.

“That’s so great, sweetie, but maybe you should ease up on the booze, yeah?”

“Noooo, sweet cheeks! Where’s the fun in that? Don’t be a buzzkill!” Then she leans in close and whispers something in my ear. The music is really loud, though, so I don’t understand a thing she’s saying.

“What?”

She sighs and then shouts at me: “You should really go and find Darren, he looks so cute tonight! I totally get it if you want a piece of that. Just give me all the dirty details later.” She giggles.

“Lea, we’re not…”

“Oh, Chriiiissss! Don’t be such a wimp! Just go… go get some!”

Oh, my god. Time to take off. Whining Lea can be annoying, but that’s not nearly as bad as whining, drunk and horny Lea.

I motion to her that I’m going to get a drink and head to the kitchen. As soon as the door closes, the noise fades a little and I take a deep breath. I make a bee-line for the fridge and take out a can of Diet Coke. 

“Too many people out there?”

My heart jumps into my throat and I turn around only to see Darren standing there, leaning against the kitchen counter, holding a beer.  
“Darren. What are you doing here?”

“Uh, getting a drink, like you are?” He grins.

Damn, even if she was drunk, Lea was right. Darren does look cute tonight. He’s wearing a white shirt that fits just right, and I haven’t seen those tight jeans before, but I’m not going to complain about the way they make him look… well, sexy as fuck, to be honest.

He clears his throat. Right, I’m staring. I blush and try to keep my composure, but then I look into his eyes again, and I kind of get lost in that warm hazel color. I want to talk to him, I really do, but the words have somehow disappeared.

He puts the bottle of beer to his lips and drinks while he studies my face. He chuckles. “So you do get weary after a long week of filming. Nothing left to say then?” He places his beer on the counter.

‘Uh.’ I look at the ground and shove my hands in my pockets. God, why do I act like a complete fool lately, whenever he’s around? I look up and intend to have a normal conversation, but suddenly he’s too close again and there’s nothing even remotely intelligent going to come out of my mouth right now. I notice his curls sticking out in all directions. I look at his five o’clock shadow. My breath hitches when I see him licking his lips and swallowing. This is driving me insane. I cough, just to do something and I look away. His fingers brush my hand. I shiver and close my eyes and that’s when his hand strays down my hip. His breath feels hot on my skin.

“Wanna dance?”

 * 

There’s no distance at all between us, which makes it very hard to think straight. I feel the beat of the music thumping so loud, it’s messing with my heart, but that’s not the mess I’m worried about. Darren scoots closer to me and starts swaying his hips to the music while he holds on to mine. I can’t do anything except grab the curls at the base of his neck and move along with him, trying to remember how to breathe.

The room is packed with people. There’s not enough air and though I haven’t been drinking, I feel totally buzzed. Darren is sweating, his curls are damp and stuck to his forehead and I try not to watch him because, God, he’s gorgeous like that. Suddenly, he cups my cheek, rubs his thumb along my skin and slightly pulls me towards him. I look at him without thinking about it and the moment our eyes lock I know this is a done deal. I just can’t resist him anymore. His hands grab me tighter and I can’t help getting hard. He gasps and closes his eyes, pressing his forehead against mine. He thrusts against me and we’re moving so closely together, it’s not even dancing anymore. My eyes flutter and I tug at his curls unconsciously, making him moan right into my ear. I’m really losing it, damn, I’ve got to get my shit together. I grab on to his shirt, trying to ground myself, and I inhale deeply in an attempt to slow my breathing. I feel his gaze on me though, and it’s so hard to look away.

The music slows down, but Darren holds on to me, moving slower. I swallow again and again. Eventually we just stand there, holding on tightly, staring at each other. He lifts one eyebrow, asking me permission, without saying anything. People keep moving and dancing around us. It’s noisy and crowded and one big blur. There must be something in the way I look at him because he doesn’t back off. He watches my mouth, licks his lips and locks eyes with me again. And then he kisses me. Hard.

*

_Darren_

Chris is all pressed up against me and I try to deepen the kiss, but something’s wrong. He’s not responding anymore. He stopped kissing me back. When I crashed our mouths together I felt him holding on tight, but now he’s pushing me away and I don’t understand why. I look at him and there’s pure panic in his eyes. Oh, no. This is not how it’s supposed to go.

“Chris?” He lets go of me so quickly as if he’s been burned and it seems he has trouble breathing.

“I…I’m sorry. I…”

“Chris? What’s wrong?”

He runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head.

“Chris?” I try to take his hands. “Chris? Please look at me?”

He’s still shaking his head and doesn’t look me in the eyes. He looks even paler than he normally does and usually I like his creamy white skin, but this right here? This is freaking me out.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!” And then he turns around and leaves. He leaves me standing there. 

I can’t believe this is happening. The music keeps playing and while people keep dancing and talking and laughing all around me, I can’t help but feel like something irrevocable has just happened.

*

Somebody grabs my hand and leads me away from all the noise and the crowd.

“Come on, honey.” Dianna leads me to the hallway, pushing me down at the bottom of the stairs. She puts her arm around me. “Darren?”

I look at her. She looks fuzzy.

“You’ll be alright, sweetie. You’ll be ok.”

She tugs me close and hugs me. And I just can’t do anything.

*

_Chris_

When you call someone in the middle of the night and they’re willing to let you in to their house, make you some tea, comfort you and try to talk some sense into you, while they have an early flight the next morning, well… this person deserves the greatest things coming to them. At least, that’s what I tell Ashley, while I’m sobbing all over her pajamas. She shushes me.

“Chris, honey, please help me understand what happened? I’m in the dark here. You’re crazy about him, get all down and dirty on the dance floor and then just blow him off like that?” She looks confused. I am confused.

“Oh, Ash. What have I done?” I bury my head in my hands. “I shouldn’t have let it come this far. I really messed up!”

“You could say that again.” She hands me a cup of tea. “Now: talk.”

I let out a shaky breath and shrug my shoulders. “I panicked. I just flat out panicked.” I try to warm my hands by holding the teacup and I feel like I’m hanging on to it as if it’s a lifeline. My emotions are overwhelming me. I need a place to drown. I can’t breathe.

Ashley squeezes my knee. “Hey, hey. Don’t faint on me or anything, keep breathing.”

“I’m just not ready for this. I’m not. I can’t help it. You must think I’m a complete fool, but I…”

“Hey, you just do what you need to do on your own speed, okay? I’ve been in quite some messy situations myself, believe me, there’s no judgment here.”

I sip my tea. “I know he wants more, but right now I can’t give that to him and this ‘friend’ thing? Not really working out that great. Somehow we always end up…you know.” I make a faint gesture.

“Almost jumping each other’s bones?” She grins.

“Oh God! What am I going to say to him when I see him? Should I call him? Text him? I don’t know what to do! Help me out here, Ash!”

“First of all, if I don’t understand why you don’t want him, he sure as hell isn’t going to, because he’s seen the way you react to him, Boo. It’s obvious you’ve got feelings for him. So my suggestion? Talk to the guy! Explain. Better than you did just now, though.” She sighs. “You know you’re not really making any sense at all here, right? You just said the friend thing isn’t working, maybe you should try the dating thing and see how that goes.”

I shake my head, no. “I’m not there yet. Not yet.”

Ashley sighs again. She bumps my shoulder. “Maybe I should slap some sense into you, huh? Did you at least enjoy the kiss?”

I give her a faint smile. “All 15 seconds of it.”

*

_Darren_

I’m not sure a coffee shop is the right place to do this, but it’s surely the safest one. I can’t trust myself to be all alone in one room with Chris right now, so I figured a public place would be best to meet.

It took all of my courage and some persuasion by Joey to eventually text Chris on Sunday, after two exhausting, aggravating sleepless nights. When I arrive he’s already there, clearly nervous, fidgeting at his coffee cup. He looks paler than ever, dark circles under his eyes. I wish things were different.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

There’s the faintest hint of a smile there, but his guarded look puts me off more than I expected. I bite my lips. This isn’t going to be easy. “I’ll get a drink first, if that’s okay?”  
He nods. I place my order at the counter. I’m so nervous my hands are trembling and I feel like my knees are about to give out. Once I sit down and feel the reassuring warmth of a hot teacup in my hands, I start talking.

“You know how I always talk a lot about stuff? How I use a lot of words to describe certain things?”

He hesitates and nods again.

“I do that because I want people to really understand what I’m saying, you know? I want to explain what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, so it’s very clear what I mean. I hate misunderstandings. So let’s do that here. Let’s really talk about this.”

Chris shifts in his seat and doesn’t say a damn thing.

I clear my throat. “I don’t want to hide and let this stand between us because I don’t have the guts to tell you how I feel. I don’t want anything unresolved between us. I respect you too much to ignore how important this is for the both of us, Chris. I won’t forget about this because pretending it didn’t happen is easier than having this conversation. Maybe that makes me vulnerable, but that also makes me human, because if there’s even the slightest chance that you feel something for me too, I want to know. Even if you’re not ready to act on it. And even if you don’t want to talk, if you don’t want to say anything, that’s fine, too. Then let me explain how I feel. I trust you enough to be honest with you like that.” I take a deep breath. I’m ranting. Fuck. I look down and wait for Chris to run for the hills.

“Okay. Let’s have this conversation.”

I hear his voice wavering, but he’s still here and that’s all I want for now: for him to hear me out. My heart beats so fast and my throat is really dry. “Okay.”

He coughs a little. “I know there’s…you know, something happening between us.” He looks down at his hands and bites his lips. “I’m just…scared, Dare. It scares the shit out of me. It’s overwhelming and I’m just…” He bites his lips again and it takes all of my willpower not to touch him. He whispers. ‘I’m not ready to do this.”

I swallow. There’s a lump in my throat, but I try to keep it together. I carefully cover his hand with mine. “That’s fine, baby.” My voice sounds hoarse and I’m not fine at all, I’m really not, but I don’t want to lose him either way. A tear runs down his face. It makes my heart feel heavy. He wipes it away furiously and clenches his jaw. I squeeze his hand. “It’s fine.” Then I hesitate, but I have to ask. “Is it because of something that I did?”

“No! No, Darren. You’re the only person I know who makes me feel so good, so…safe. When I’m with you, I never have to worry about anything I say, because I know you’ll never judge me for it. I can be serious and talk about the heavy stuff, or I can be a total goofball and it’s all fine. I like that I can be with you even when we’re not talking, when I’m typing away on my computer and you’re working on your music and it never gets awkward, because it’s you and me, you know?”

I do know. He’s fidgeting and I know he’s struggling to get the words out.

“Lately, it’s getting too intense, though, this thing between you and me, whatever it is. I need some space. It’s not that I don’t… because I do…I just…” He shrugs his shoulders.

I take a breath. “You know I would be all into this, if you’d let me. I don’t want to pressure you, I just… I just want you to know. If you ever feel like… you know. You can come to me.” I feel like my words fail me big time, but it’s been like that ever since I met him. I usually talk a lot, but when it comes to him, I’ve never been good with words. “I asked you how you feel, because… well, I needed to know before anything really…happened. I don’t wanna be the asshole who just assumes.”

“I get that. I don’t wanna be the asshole who leads you on.”

“So where does that leaves us?”

He looks down. “Can we just be friends?”

The air is heavy between us and we’re a lot of things but ‘just friends’ isn’t one of them. I nod anyway. “Friends it is.” I doubt we can pull this off, but at least we can try.

*

I throw my keys on the table, walk straight to the fridge and take out a beer. Then I plop down on the couch. Joey is playing a videogame, but suddenly he watches me attentively.

“Everything okay, man?”

For a total nutcase, he can be pretty observant. I drink my beer and don’t say anything. I’m afraid I’ll start crying the moment I open my mouth.

“Darren?”

“Not that great.”

He nods, throws the controller on the couch next to him and heads to the kitchen. I hear the fridge opening and closing again and two minutes later he’s sitting down next to me, holding a beer of his own.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Nope.”

“Sure about that?”

I sigh and the silence lingers. “He doesn’t want me.”

“Oh.” Joey bumps my shoulder. “I’m sorry, man.”

“Well, he does, kind of. But he’s fucking scared and I get that, I do, but….fuck…” and then I’m sobbing. Joey scoots closer and gives me a one-armed hug.

“Hey, man, you’ll be fine. Maybe if you give him some time, you know.”

I rub my eyes. “I’m starting to want him so badly that it hurts. Fuck.” I grab my beer so tight my knuckles turn white.

“I didn’t know it was that bad, man. I really hope the two of you can figure this out.”

I fumble at the label of the beer bottle. “I’ll be fine. I’ll get over him. I will.”

Joey shoots me a look and I can see the doubt in his eyes. I can’t blame him. I’m a fucking mess right now and I just wish Chris had given me any excuse. Any excuse to try at all.

 

*


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... here's some more. I'm sorry for the painful stuff, but... it get's better, I promise!
> 
> Thanks again to Lynne for beta-reading.
> 
> Enjoy!

_Darren_

“Hi, mom.” I put my bag down and give her a hug.

“Hey, honey.” She smiles. “You look tired,” she whispers in my ear. Then she takes a good look at me. “You okay, sweetie?”

I smile. “I’m fine. I haven’t been sleeping well, that’s all.”

“Any reason for that?”

I shrug my shoulders. She knows I’ll talk about it when I’m ready. I just want to clear my head first.

She ruffles my hair. “Come on. Let’s go to the kitchen. I’m busy making those cookies you like so much. You can have a drink and we’ll catch up.”

I follow her to the kitchen and hop onto the counter.

“No cookie-stealing!” she warns me. “They’re not done yet.”

I hold my hands up in defense and sip at the apple juice she puts next to me.

“So, you’re having a few days off?”

I nod. “Yeah, there’s no filming the next few days and I needed some down time. If I stay in LA I’ll just end up being busy all the time anyway.”

She chuckles. “So you come home and let me do all the work while you can sit on your lazy ass?”

“Mom! You know it’s not like that!”

Now she’s just laughing at me. ‘I know, I know. I’m happy to have you home, you know that, sweetie. How is Chris?”

If the way I get all pale is any indication, then she might have just figured out the real reason I’m here. She ignores the way I start fumbling though and continues stirring in a bowl.

“He’s fine.” I clear my throat. She shoots me a look, but doesn’t comment . Usually when she asks me about Chris I start rambling about stuff we’ve done together, things we’re going to do, how he’s busy writing or whatever, but now I just … don’t. I’ve got nothing to say.  
I think about the last few weeks and how we’ve been trying to act normal around each other. Goofing around and having normal conversations is really tough when all you can think about is the other person’s tongue down your throat. It’s exhausting, really. When I’m near him I mindlessly reach to touch. I really shouldn’t. It seems to shoot electricity all the way through my bones.

I try to keep up appearances when he’s around, I really do, but somehow there’s always this moment I let my guard down. It’s the moment I forget how dangerous it is to look into his eyes. It’s the moment I get distracted by the simple touch of his hand. His guarded look is always there to remind me though: we haven’t been fine at all.

“I’m going to unpack my stuff first.” I hop off the counter and give her a kiss.

“Darren?”

“Yeah?”

She hesitates. “Get some rest, sweetie.”

I nod. “I will.”

*

_Chris_

I’m sitting at my desk, trying to write, but somehow the words just won’t come out. I sigh and take out my phone. No missed calls. There are a few messages, but not the one I’m hoping for. There’s one from Ashley to check up on me and one from Lea to remind me we’re having lunch tomorrow.

I lean back in my chair and look at pictures of Darren and me on my phone. I smile when I see them. God, I miss him. I miss talking to him about random things, I miss him smiling at me from across the room. I miss his face, his voice, his craziness, everything about him. We haven’t talked much lately, not like we used to. It’s hard. Before I even realize, I’m dialing his number. I really need to hear his voice right now.

*

_Darren_

I’m sitting on the bed, strumming my guitar when I notice my phone light up. It’s Chris’ face that pops up on the screen. I stare at the picture. I’m glad he calls. I’m happy to hear from him. I am. I’m happy and scared.  
“Hi.”

“Hi.” Then there’s silence. I hear him clearing his throat. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“Good. Good.”

I fumble on the sheets. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“Okay.” So it seems this is going to be one of the most awkward conversations ever.

“Dare?”

“Yeah?”

“I guess I don’t have any right to say this to you right now, but…”

Oh no. I bite my lips. “What?”

His voice is just a whisper. “I miss you.”

My breath hitches. “Chris. You can’t say things like that, you just…can’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

I can tell from the way his voice sounds hoarse that he’s emotional and it’s getting to me.

“I miss us… being friends, you know. I want to have that back.”

“I’m trying here, Chris. I really am.” I run my fingers through my hair.

He clears his throat again. “I know you are. I know. I’m just… I miss talking to you.”

I don’t know what to say.

“How are we going to fix this, Dare?”

I sigh. “Maybe, when I get back, I can… come over? We can watch a movie or something? Just the two of us. We can… be together for a while. Without other people in the room. Avoid all those curious glances.”  
“I don’t know. I don’t… know what to do here.”

“Maybe we can stop being awkward if we stop being so cautious all the time and start doing what we used to do: just hang out.”

He doesn’t say anything. “Chris?”

“I guess we can try.”

“We can. We should. So, I’ll see you in a few days, then?”

“Okay. See you in a few days.”

“Hey, Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Miss you, too.”

*

“Hmmm. These are so good, mom!” I take another cookie and then realize that’s just another thing that reminds me of Chris. I sip my tea and think about that Sunday afternoon he wanted to show me how to make his magical chocolate chip cookies. We ended up being all silly, throwing flour at each other, chocolate and dough smudged all over our faces.

“Darren?”

I look at my mom. “Yeah?”

“What’s wrong?”

I feel like she caught me doing something I shouldn’t have. “Uh…”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I know you, honey, and you’re not okay. “

My fingers tremble while I’m holding my teacup. I look down. “It’s Chris.”

“Did you have a fight?”

I shake my head. “No. It’s nothing like that. It’s…well, things have been complicated, lately. There… there might be something going on between us, but… he’s not ready for it and… well, I’m having a hard time with that.” I sigh. She puts her hand on mine and smiles at me.

“You boys will work it out.”

I swallow hard and look at her. “I think I… I might be in love with him, mom.”

She nods and looks kind of sad, but she doesn’t seem to be surprised at all.

*

_Chris_

I’m pacing up and down the hall, nervous as hell and try not to think about the fact that Darren’s going to be here in like, 5 minutes. Actually, it’s all I can think about. I check my clothes in the mirror and sigh. What am I doing? If I don’t start to relax soon I’ll be like a ball of fire, waiting to explode the moment he gets here.

Then the doorbell rings. I take a deep breath. Here we go.

*

_Darren_

Chris is standing in his doorway, looking all jittery.

“Hey.”

“Hi. Come in.” He steps back to make some room for me, and I step inside, brushing against him. He rubs his legs and fidgets at his shirt. I turn to him and give him a hug, but he gets all tense in my arms, so I let go of him quickly.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s just be us tonight?”

He nods and smiles nervously. “Okay.” He keeps standing there, looking at me and then he sighs in defeat. “Okay.” He takes my hand. “Come on, let’s go into the living room.”

I squeeze his hand and smile at him. His fingers feel so good in mine. We sit down on the couch and there’s not much room left in between us. I try not to think about it too hard. It’s been a while since we’ve been this close, other than filming, or even alone in one room for that matter.

“Want a drink?”

“Yeah, that would be great, thanks.”

“A beer or…?”

“Juice is fine.” I don’t want to drink any alcohol tonight, even if it’s just a beer. I want my mind to be as clear as it can be.

He heads to the kitchen and returns five minutes later with a glass of apple juice, a can of Diet Coke and a bowl of popcorn.

“Have you decided on the movie yet?” He puts the drinks on the table and hands me the bowl.

“Oh, anything’s fine by me.” I’m so not here for the movie. I just want to be near him.

He chuckles. “That was easy. X-men it is then.”

*

_Chris_

Darren is sitting close to me and it’s very distracting, again. I’m not really paying attention to what’s happening on the screen. It feels so good to sit next to him, to feel his warmth.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“When you said you miss the way we used to be and you want to have that back, well…I’m not really sure what I can and can’t do right now.”

I watch him. He seems on edge.

“Is it okay if we uh… snuggle?” He doesn’t look at me.

Suddenly my heart beats really fast. I can’t refuse. Maybe I shouId, but I can’t. I want to feel him. “I guess that’s… okay?”

He smiles. I scoot closer and he puts his arm around me while I slouch down the couch and lay my head on his shoulder. My body relaxes and I close my eyes. “Hmm, you smell nice.” Without thinking about it, I slip my hand underneath his shirt and touch his bare skin. His breath hitches. Fuck. What am I doing? Five minutes alone with him and I’m already losing my mind.

I keep telling myself that we can’t be a thing because it’s too much for me to handle and I’m terrified of losing him. I keep trying to convince myself we can be just friends, but really, who am I kidding here? When he’s near me, I just need to touch. I can’t help it. He’s like oxygen to me.

*

_Darren_

Chris is all snuggled up against me and all I can think about is how desperately I want to kiss him. So honestly? This ‘being like we used to be’ isn’t helpful at all.  
I feel him shift next to me and I turn my head to look at him. He’s beautiful. He can probably feel me staring at him, but he pretends he doesn’t.

“Chris?” I close my eyes and nuzzle at his neck.

“Hmmm?”

I can feel his pulse. His heart is racing and so is mine. He’s barely touching me, but I can hardly breathe and all I want to do right now is grab his face and slide my tongue into his mouth.

My voice is wavering. “I don’t think I can do this.” My lips touch his skin and I feel him shiver. “I think I should go, because I’m about to do something we’ll both regret.”

He rubs his thumb over my hand. “No, don’t go.” His voice is hoarse. “Please, don’t go.” He cups my cheek. “I don’t want you to.” His eyes are pleading.

I try to catch my breath and slowly pull away. I’ve got to keep a decent distance to talk to him, because if I’m too close, I can’t think straight and I’m too damn close right now. I shake my head. ‘What are we doing here, Chris?”

His eyes go wide. “I thought you… wanted us to be like before?”

I let out a shaky breath. “I don’t think we can.” I see his shoulders slump. He looks defeated.

“Don’t you know that you’re all that I think about?” I rub my hands over my face. “You’re all that I think about and every time we’re alone together we get…into this mess. I want to be with you, but…I don’t want us to just… hook up. I won’t let you fuck me up like that. It’s not what I want. Not with you.”

I’m trying to hide just how much this shakes me up and I’m so close to giving in. I want him to touch me so bad and he would if I let him. I know he would. It’s this weird chemistry between us that makes us gravitate towards each other. It would mean something else for him than it would for me, though. It would tear me apart. With every touch he would hurt me even more, because I realize that even if he wanted to be with me in that moment…he wouldn’t be mine. He wouldn’t be mine at all.

I see him clenching his jaw and biting back the tears. “I don’t know how to do this. I can’t… do this. Not like you want me to.”

Why does he keep hurting me like that? Why do I let him? I really want to take his hand right now. I grab my juice instead and gulp it down.

“I don’t want you to do something you’re not ready for, Chris, but this isn’t working either. I’m done fighting this… this longing. Being so close to you, it makes me want to…” I look away and whisper: “It makes me want to touch you. I want to feel you, like, all the time.” I don’t have the courage to even look at him right now. “I need a break. So maybe we should only see each other at work, for now.”

He fidgets at his shirt. “Okay.” His voice is tiny. I try to slow my breathing.

“So… I’d better go.” I get up. He doesn’t say anything. The silence lingers.

I keep standing there, awkwardly and I don’t even know how to leave.

“Okay. I’ll… I’ll let myself out. Chris?” There’s pain in his eyes and I almost can’t bear to look at him. “Please do me a favor. Call Ashley and talk to her. Don’t be alone tonight?”

He nods and braces himself. It fucking hurts to leave him like that, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s like we’re dancing around a fire and we’re both afraid to get burned. What are we going to do?

*

_Chris_

It’s been 6 weeks since Darren and I had our last movie night and we’ve both been trying to get on with our lives. He’s been busy with all kinds of projects and I only get to see him on set or in pictures on twitter or in magazines. It’s weird.

We talk when we see each other. We do. About the weather and the food on set and all kinds of stupid things that don’t matter at all. It sucks. It doesn’t make me miss him any less.

“Hey, honey how’ve you been?” Lea gives me hug and smiles at me.

“I’m great, thanks.”

I watch Darren talking to Chord. He looks off, like he didn’t get enough sleep or something. He’s got dark circles under his eyes and he’s sweating.

“Chris?”

“Huh?”

Lea chuckles. “Got a little distracted there?”

“Oh, uh…” Damn, now I’m blushing.

She leans over and whispers: “You know this thing between you two? It’s not over yet.”

 

* 

_Darren_

Another long day of filming and I feel like shit. Chord is talking to me, but I can’t seem to focus on what he’s saying. God, it’s hot in here. I wipe my forehead. I feel like I can’t breathe… and then the room is spinning.

-

“Darren? Oh, God. Darren?”

I open my eyes and see Chris’ worried face right in front of me.

“Thank goodness. Don’t move! You fainted, just stay where you are.”

Ugh. Don’t feel like moving at all. I feel his cold fingers on my forehead. It feels really nice.

“You’ve got a fever, Dare. Why did you come to work like that?” His voice gets all squeaky and I can tell he’s anxious.

I cough a little. My head is throbbing. “I’m fine.”

“Like hell you are!”

Chord puts his hand on Chris’ shoulder. “Chris? He’s probably got the flu or something. I think he’ll be fine.” He looks at me. “You’d better go home, dude. Sleep it off.”

Then Lea chimes in. “Maybe one of us can take you home? We can’t go on without you anyway.”

Chris nods. “I will.”

I feel way too tired to disagree.

 

*

_Chris_

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, watching Darren sleep. I decided to take him home with me. Joey is gone on some theatre business, so he would be all alone anyway. He stirs in his sleep and he’s sweaty, but he still looks gorgeous. I put my hand on his forehead. He’s still hot. He scared the shit out of me by fainting like that. I try to brush away the curls that are stuck to his forehead and my fingers linger.

“Hey Dare? Are you awake?” He doesn’t move. I scoot closer and hesitate. Oh, fuck this, I’m done being cautious. I kiss his temple softly and rub my nose along his cheek. I touch his skin, careful, like I did so many weeks ago. My fingers are trembling when I finally give in to these emotions I’ve been trying to hide for so long. Even from myself. When I admit it, it’s just a whisper.

“I’m in love with you.” I swallow and try to keep my hands from shaking. “I’m so in love with you I can’t even breathe.”

Why can’t I say that to him when he’s awake?

I shift on the bed, wanting to get up and go downstairs, but suddenly he grasps my hand.

“Chris… don’t go.”

I turn to look at him. “Hey. You’re awake?”

“Hmm.”

“Do you want me to get you some water or something to eat?”

“No, just… stay with me?” He barely opens his eyes and his voice is soft and low.

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You’re still running a fever, Dare. You should sleep some more.”

He coughs. “Lay down with me?”

I smile at him, although he’s not looking at me. “Yeah. Okay. Just for a little while.” I kick off my shoes. “You should drink some water later, okay?”

“Hmmm. Later.”

He takes my hand and puts it on his cheek. “Stay?”

Seriously, nobody can take my breath away like he does. “I’m right here,” I whisper, “right here.”

 

*

_Chris_

I’m in the kitchen, making some tea when I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around.

“Hi.” Darren is standing in the doorway, looking all disheveled. His hair is a mess and the sweatpants I lent him are way too big. It’s adorable, really. He smiles at me sheepishly. “Can I have some water now?”

“Of course you can. Come here, sit down. What are you doing up anyway? I wouldn’t want you to faint on me again.” I smirk at him.

He groans. “Oh no, I’m never going to hear the end of that one, am I?

“Nope.”

He sits down and buries his head in his hands. “Knew it.”

I chuckle and kiss the top of his head. His shoulders get tense. Oh. What was I thinking?

“Uh, I’m sorry.”

He lifts his head to look at me. His eyes go soft. “It’s fine, Chris, really.”

He takes my hand and just like that, I’m nervous again.

“Hey Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.” He coughs again.

I squeeze his hand. “I’ll get you some water.”

*

_Darren_

“Hey, don’t steal my fries, man! Come on!”

Chris shrugs his shoulders. “It’s not like you’re going to eat all of them anyway.”

I shove some fries into my mouth. “You can get your own!” I look at my watch. “Oh, you won’t have the time, you’ve got to be at wardrobe in like… 10 minutes.”

He grins at me and winks. “Oh, you’d be amazed if you’d knew the things I can do in 10 minutes…”

I nearly choke. His eyes never leave mine when he continues. “I do love the way I can make you blush in like… 5 seconds.”

My heart stutters. There’s something in his eyes I just can’t explain. I’m caught off guard by it. Something has changed between us since the day I got sick and he took me home with him. I can’t remember all of it, it’s mostly a blur of sleeping and sipping water and Chris trying to convince me to drink some soup and take my meds. He looks at me differently, somehow, I’m not sure what it is.

Lea’s watching us from across the table and she’s giving me that look. Why is she looking at me like that?

Chris quickly steals some more fries. “Well, I’m off. See you later.” He walks away. Lea throws a packet of ketchup to me to get my attention.

“Darren?”

“What’s up, honey?”

“I know you’re a smart guy and all, but.. open your eyes here for a second.”

“Uh, I don’t know what you mean?”

She sighs and rolls her eyes. “And I thought Blaine was the oblivious one.”

Okay, I’m confused. She lifts her eyebrows.

“Don’t you even see the way he looks at you? It’s like you hung the moon and the stars.”

Now I’m even more confused. “Uh… are you talking about Chris?”

“Of course I’m talking about Chris, you dumbass!”

“Oh. We’ve been over this. He’s not interested.” I try to smile at her, but I fail miserably. It still stings.

She smacks my head. “Oh, come on! Pay some attention here! Don’t let him get away! If he wasn’t interested before, he sure is interested now!”

I stare at my fries. He is?

 

*


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... I think this chapter speaks for itself, so no comment whatsoever.
> 
> Again, thanks to Lynne for reading and cheering me on!
> 
> Enjoy!

  


_Darren_

We’re in between scenes and I’m exhausted, but this day isn’t over yet. I’ve been so busy lately, tangled up in all of these different kind of projects and I feel like I’m stretched too thin. Suddenly the sofa in my trailer seems very appealing to me.

Jenna is watching me. “Hey, you okay, Dare? You look beat.”

“Yeah, I think I’m going to take a nap.” I yawn, my mouth wide open. “Ugh, I could sleep for days.”

Chris sneaks up on me and puts his chin on my shoulder. “No, you couldn’t. You wouldn’t be able to slow down for more than 5 minutes.”

I tilt my head to look at him and he smiles at me sweetly. Then I lean back until my head is trapped somewhere between his chin and his chest. “Ugh, I need to slow down now. Need it.” Chris’ warmth surrounds me. Suddenly my eyes are closed and I feel myself slipping into unconsciousness.

“Hey, Dare.” Chris slides his hands around my waist. “Darren? Honey? You can’t sleep still standing on your feet like that.”

“Hmmm.” When weariness hits me, it hits me hard. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.

“Darren, come on. I’ll take you where you need to be. Come on.” Chris nudges me softly and I go willingly. My head is on his shoulder and if he wasn’t holding me up I’d probably fall right over. I feel dizzy. I’m walking without even noticing where we’re going. A door opens and closes again and the loud ‘thump’ startles me. I look around.

“Why are we in your trailer? Thought we were going to mine?” I rub my eyes.

Chris turns to look at me and the soft expression on his face takes me by surprise. “I told you I’d take you where you needed to be.”

Huh. Right. I still feel fuzzy.

“Come on, lay down with me. I’ll get you to slow down for more than 5 minutes.” He smiles again and there’s something in his eyes I just can’t put my finger on. It makes my stomach swoop and I feel like I’m hypnotized. He takes my hand. “Come on Dare, relax for a bit, you know you need it. The world can keep on spinning without you for now. Come on, just for a little while. I’ve got you, ok?” He rubs the inside of my wrist with his thumb. Up and down. Up and down. It’s gentle and sweet and somehow very intimate. It gives me goosebumps and makes me mellow all at the same time. “Come on.”

I want to lay down with him, I really do, but is it wise to go down that road again? I don’t want us to hurt each other anymore. I think about the way he’s been looking at me these last few days. I think about the way he touches me, carefully, like he might scare me off. It’s been there for a while now. I don’t know what to make of it. The way he acts around me confuses me, now even more than it ever did before. He’s been sweet and kind and caring and open, like he let his guard down somehow, but he’s also been hesitant at times. He’s been silly, like he was before and witty and … flirty…

He tugs me forward and in that very moment I’m completely and utterly stunned. Because suddenly, I know. Realization hits me hard. Even harder than this tiredness that’s creeping through my bones. We’re only halfway to the couch, but I freeze right there and make him turn around to look him in the eyes.

He seems surprised. “It’s ok, sweetie. I’ve got you.”

I look at him, really look at him. It’s there. This thing I’ve been looking for, but I couldn’t find. It’s there now.

“I know you do.” I nod. I’m so out of words. “I know.” A thousand thoughts are flowing through my mind right now. “I… you…uh…” Oh, come on!

I grab his face and try to contain the need, the pure want, that is racing through my veins. My breath hitches and I can’t do anything about it. I’m so out of breath I feel like I’m choking on air. His eyes are wide and he looks so vulnerable. It tugs at my heart. We’re standing opposite each other and suddenly I know that this is what it feels like: the calm before the storm.

One of my hands trails down his chest, my fingers trembling. I can feel his heartbeat speeding up, a steady beat turning into a rapid stutter. My hand lingers, but not for long. Somehow my fingers creep up and get all tangled up in his hair. I watch his lips and strive to catch my breath again. I try to get it together, but it’s completely pointless, because all I can think about is kissing him and that makes all coherent thoughts fly out the window. I look up again and I brace myself, but I don’t need to search for permission now. Not this time. His expression is open and emotional. He’s willing to do whatever I want him to, I can see it in his eyes. There’s no talking, but I understand anyhow. The words he means are those he doesn’t say.

I swallow and feel my chest go tight. This is overwhelming me. He licks his lips and I’m dizzy with anticipation. This thing between us is almost palpable now. The air feels heavy with it and I feel it running through my veins, like liquid fire, leaving me yearning and longing…. and wanting more. Always wanting more. I just need to touch, I have to, I’ll explode if I don’t touch him right this minute.  
Then my mouth is on his, desperately chasing this feeling of reassurance I could see in his eyes just now. He grabs my shoulder and tugs me closer. It feels urgent, like there isn’t enough time. Like we haven’t been doing this dance around each other for months now. I kiss his lips, his eyes, his cheeks. I nuzzle his neck and grab the back of his head and kiss him some more. It’s rushed and it’s messy and I just can’t hold it in.

“Chris… I want to… I need… please…please…”

“Yeah…I’m… I.. let’s just… ugh…”

I feel him kissing me back, tugging at my shirt, pressing his body against me. There’s passion and quiet surrender and a tiny bit of silent desperation and it’s nothing like the kisses we shared before, but it’s all I’ve been waiting for.

We’ve been denying this for so long, to others, to ourselves, but I need this. He needs this. The aching in our hearts makes us reach out to touch. This time, he lets himself feel it, too. This time, he doesn’t panic. He doesn’t back away. I feel him holding on to the collar of my shirt real tight, as if he’s afraid I’m going to run off. I’m not going to. I’m so not going to. This time I want it all. I want it all. All of him. There’s no turning back now. I’m not afraid anymore. I’ve seen it in his eyes when he turned to look at me: he’s into this as much as I am. It’s been right there in front of me and I just didn’t see. All this hurting and awkwardness… it wasn’t about him not wanting me. It wasn’t about that at all. It was about the intensity of this connection between us. It was about him being too scared, so he ran away. Well, he’s not running anywhere now. I won’t let him.

I break the kiss to gulp for air. My mind feels fuzzy all over again and I’m having a hard time focusing. His eyes search mine and the way he looks at me makes me feel like I’m right where I belong. I’m completely in awe when I say it. “You want me.”

He bites his lips. “I do.” His voice is hoarse and low and it makes something stir deep inside me. I cup his cheek and kiss him again. My tongue slides along the seam of his lips, making him open his mouth. I feel his hand in my neck, pushing gently and somehow that makes me buck up against him. He gasps. My lips graze the corner of his mouth. My voice is wavering when I ask him:

“Go out with me?”

  


*  


_Chris_

Darren looks at me expectantly and I can only stutter: ‘Yeah. Yes. I will. I want to. Yes.”

He smiles and rubs his cheek along mine. “Chris.” He sighs. “Chris.”

“I know… I know.”

My mouth searches his lips again and we kiss, even more desperate than before. My lips are swollen and I can’t seem to breathe right, but I don’t care. I need to feel him, I just have to. I’m hungry for his touch. I nip at his bottom lip and he moans softly. He presses his body flush against mine until all I can feel are his strong muscles and his firm grip. I don’t want to let go, I can’t. I can’t just yet. We’re both panting and I feel like there’s no air left, but I need to be close to him, so I hold on a little longer. I thrust against him and I can feel he’s hard, but I don’t reach down to touch him. Not yet. It feels like overstepping some boundary we’re not ready for. It’s not that I don’t want to, because, God, I want to, but I want to be careful, too. This thing between us is too precious to waste in a hasty moment while we’re both still trying to understand what’s happening here. We’re standing close, incredibly close, leaning against each other, chests heaving, forcing ourselves to calm the fuck down. Eventually I feel like I can breathe again. I press a gentle kiss on his temple and brush my fingers along his jaw.

“Darren?” Another kiss on his ear, his cheek. “Come on, you need to rest, honey. Lay down for a bit.”

He shakes his head. “No, I want to stay with you. Right here. Like this. Let me stay with you.” He sounds pained, like he’s afraid I’m going to run off again.

“Hey, I’m not going anywhere, but you need some sleep, okay? Let me take care of you, baby, come on.”

He looks at me in surprise. It makes me avert my eyes in embarrassment, but he lifts my chin with firm fingers. “Don’t be shy.” His voice is raw. “ I like it when you call me that.”

I shrug my shoulders and he grabs me tight, his forehead against mine.

“God, it feels good to hold you like this. It feels right, you know?”

I nod. “It does.”

He looks down. “Should we uh… talk about this?”

I shake my head, no. “Later. We will. Later. I’m not going to run away again, I promise.”

He gives me a sweet kiss. We’re better now, not caught up in this desperate frenzy anymore. There’s air. I can breathe.

“You’ve got to get some rest right now, Dare. We’ll have to get back on set soon. You’ve got to take care of yourself, sweetie, you’re exhausted.”

“Hmmm.” He’s swaying on his feet.

“Lay down with me? I’ll hold you while you sleep?”

He closes his eyes. “Okay. Alright.” Then he looks at me again. “Come over tonight?”

I tug him down with me on the couch and I scoot as close to him as I possibly can. “Yeah. I will.”

“Hmmm. You better.” It’s just a mumble as he’s already drifting off. He snuggles up against me and five minutes later he’s sound asleep.

  


*  


_Darren_

“So, you need me to go out tonight? Leave you guys alone?” Joey wiggles his eyebrows at me.

“Uh, I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Say what? You guys finally kissed, properly this time, I might add, you got him to admit he’s head over heels for you and that he wants to be in your pants like, yesterday and you don’t want to be alone with him tonight? Seriously? What’s wrong with you?” He looks at me like I just told him Harry Potter was supposed to be a Slytherin after all.

“I want to take him out on a date, Joe. A real date. I want to talk to him and have dinner and a movie or go to a show or a concert or whatever. Things have been awkward between us for a while, I’d like to take this slow. I really don’t want to mess it up by having sex with him while we don’t even know what we’re doing here. So: a date. Later this week. Tonight we’re just hanging out.”

Joey hums. “So you’re not having sex tonight then?”

“Joey! Jeez!”

He chuckles and shakes his head. “Whatever man. Who do you think you’re fooling here? You guys won’t be able to keep your hands to yourselves for five minutes, I’m telling you. Even I can sense this crazy attraction between you two, even if you haven’t acted on it much. You should though. That boy sure looks like he can move his hips.”

I throw a pillow at him. “I’m serious about this, you dickhead. Maybe we even need you there, to keep us from jumping into this too fast, you know.”

Now he looks at me like I completely lost my mind. He shakes his head. “You’d think a guy with a degree and all would have more brains in his head, seriously!” He’s silent for a minute and then he suddenly looks at me: “What are you afraid of, Darren? That he’s going to hurt you like hell and you won’t be able to recover from it?”

He’s being serious now and I know it’s his way to let me know that he cares for me. It kind of gets to me. I fumble at my shirt.  
“Well, you know…” I sigh. “Yeah, I am.” I don’t look at him. “Nobody ever messed me up this bad. No one.”

“Well, then you better take good care of him, man. You deserve this, he does too. Don’t let that fear stand in the way of this amazing thing you’ve got going here. There’s no way to know if he’ll end up hurting you.” He coughs and then he smiles at me mischievously. “Want me to beat him up, if he does?” He throws the pillow back at my head and then we’re both laughing and back to goofing around.

  


*  


_Chris_

I’m sitting on Darren’s couch, listening to Joey going on and on about some show he went to see last week. Which I would normally be very interested in. Really. All I can think about right now is Darren’s mouth on mine though, the way his tongue swept along the seam of my lips and most importantly: the way that made me feel.

I hum every now and then to show some interest in the story, but Darren is sitting close enough to make me feel light-headed. I can’t take my eyes off of him. He looks scruffy and tired, but happy and his smile makes his eyes crinkle.

“Don’t you think so, Chris?” Joey looks at me, waiting for an answer I can’t give him.

“Uh, hmmm,” I mumble, hoping his enthusiasm will rescue me and it does. He continues rambling. Darren looks at me in amusement. He’s so on to me. He scoots a little closer and starts rubbing my thigh. Really? He avoids my gaze, but he knows what he’s doing to me when I shift on the couch, getting restless, wanting to crawl into his lap and kiss him senseless.

“Hey Joe, your turn to grab another beer, man.” Darren holds up his empty bottle.

“Sure man. Chris? Another Diet Coke?”

“No, I’m good, thanks!”

Joey grabs the empty bottles and heads to the kitchen. Darren watches me and rubs his thumb along my wrist. “Not really paying attention here, are you?” he grins at me.

“You’re evil.”

“Oh, am I?” He nuzzles my neck and I feel his tongue leaving wet traces. It makes me want to do things that are so inappropriate right now.

“Ugh. Darren. Come on.” I try to push him away, but I’m not very convincing. He nips at that spot behind my ear and my eyes roll back in my head, I can’t help it. I’m out of breath already. “Come on, that’s just cheating.”

He chuckles. “Making out with you on camera for about a hundred times does have its perks, you know.” He keeps kissing me. “Like getting to know all your sensitive spots.” He bites down my neck and I groan.

“Ugh, stop doing that!” I grab his face and I look at him, wanting to tell him to knock it off, but I can see the heat in his gaze and suddenly my stomach is doing that swoopy thing again.  
“Oh, fuck.” I crash our mouths together and suck at his lower lip. I can feel his fingers dig into my back and I have to keep myself from thrusting up against him. His tongue slips into my mouth and I grab the curls at the back of his head, tugging hard.

“Do that again.”

“Darren, we’re not alone. Joey will be right b…”

“Do it again.” He buries his face in the crook of my neck, grinding against me. I just can’t refuse.  
I tug at his curls, making him moan low in his throat. I’m losing my mind.

“God, I want you.” I wrap my arms around him in a tight embrace and whisper: “I want you.”

“I know, baby, but we…we need to… talk about this first, yeah?”

“Well, I don’t see a whole lot of talking going on. What happened to ‘just hanging out’?” Joey startles us, standing in the doorway, holding two bottles of beer, grinning.

“Oh!” I feel a blush creeping up my cheeks and I’m out of Darren’s reach in no time.

He looks at me sheepishly when Joey lifts his eyebrow and says: “Told you so!”  
I’m not sure I want to know what that’s all about.

  


  
*  


_Chris_  


“We basically got cock blocked by Joey.” I sigh.

Ashley looks at me and tries to hide her laughter. She’s not really good at it, though. “Oh my god, Chris, really? Did you really think you could hang out the whole evening with Darren and Joey right now and not shove your tongue into Darren’s mouth?”

I roll my eyes at her. “We want to take it slow, we still need to talk about this, but he’s busy and exhausted and I’m busy and …”

“Scared shitless.” She looks at me like she knows. Oh, God. Why does she have to be so perceptive when it comes to me?

“You are, aren’t you?”

“Is that a bad thing? I mean… we’ve been beating around the bush for so long and now it’s finally out there and maybe I should just go for it, full force, but I… well… I need to take my time.”

She nods and I know she won’t judge me for it.

“It’s really hard when he’s near me, though, I just can’t take my hands off of him, it’s crazy. There’s all this aching and longing inside of me, but I’m still scared. It feels like… too much, you know? It’s better now he knows and he still wants to be with me, but I’m afraid to get carried away too much. I’m afraid this will take us too far and it will leave me …wounded.” I fumble at the can of Diet Coke and take a long swig. “If he would… hurt me…I’m afraid I won’t be able to bounce back from that, because it feels like it’s…everything.” I clear my throat and swallow.

Ashley takes my hand and squeezes. “Hey. You’ll be fine. He’s crazy about you. You can tell by the way he looks at you, I mean, even a blind man can see. Don’t you worry too much.”

I smile at her and think about the way he held me earlier today. At first his eyes were wild and I could see his hunger to touch, but later, when we finally calmed down, there was tenderness and I know… I just know he would do anything in his power not to hurt me. Then I realize: even if he would, there’s not a damn thing I would regret, because right now it’s me and it’s him and really? That’s all I need to know.

*


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... I would really like to know what you think of this chapter... they'll have a real, mature conversation next time, but for now... not so much...
> 
> thanks for editing, Lynne!
> 
> Enjoy!

_Chris_

I’m lying in my bed, restless, watching the seconds, minutes, hours tick by. I’m too wound up to sleep. I feel out of place. I feel like I don’t belong and I don’t know what to do about it. The familiarity of my own bedroom doesn’t comfort me at all. It suffocates me. It’s like the walls are creeping up on me. The only thing I can do is sit up and gasp for air. The silence is so present, it’s like thunder in my ears. God, is this how it’s going to be like? I feel like I can’t breathe without him. It’s unsettling. It brings me to the verge of a panic attack. What the fuck is wrong with me? I force myself to calm down. My chest hurts. It hurts.

Then my phone beeps. Darren.

D: Hey. You awake?

Ch: Yeah…can’t sleep.

D: Me either.

D: Miss you.

D: I’m sorry, am I being weird? I just saw you. I’m being weird. I’m sorry.

D: But I do. I miss you like crazy.

D: Oh great, now I’m rambling through texts, I must BE crazy, right?

Ch: No doubt in my mind that you are! Miss you too.

D: So…

Ch: Really want to hear your voice right now.

My phone rings. I heave a sigh of relief and answer it, but I don’t say anything. He doesn’t either. I close my eyes and I can hear him breathing. It calms me.

“I do, you know. Miss you.” He sighs. “I miss you so bad.” I smile at the way he continues our silent conversation, just like that.

“I really want to feel you right now, Dare.” I whisper cautiously. It feels too intimate to say it out loud.

He groans. “Yeah, I… I know.”  
I clutch the phone real tight. “How are we going to do this, Darren? Is this how it’s going to be? This intensity… it’s… overwhelming.” I feel my chest go tight again and I try not to think about the almost-panic-attack I had earlier.

“We’ll figure it out.” His voice is soft and soothing. It makes me feel like I’m on solid ground again. “We will, you know.”

I nod, though he can’t see me.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

I bite my lips. “I’m fine. I am, I just…” I don’t know how to explain. “Stay on the phone with me for a little while?”

“I will. I will, baby. Lay down for me, yeah?”

I do. I lay down and try to relax while he talks to me about random stuff, silly things that make me giggle and sweet things that make me blush. Finally I feel myself drifting off slowly, lulled asleep by his comforting voice and an unspoken promise of all the things that we could be.

 

*

_Chris_

I watch Darren from across the set. He still looks tired, but there’s some sort of calmness that surrounds him. It makes me breathe a little easier when I look at him. It makes me want to crawl up into his personal space and immerse myself into it. He catches me staring and I can see his eyes go soft. He keeps talking to Dianna, but his gaze lingers and his lips curl up into a tiny smile. I don’t walk up to him, I have to be at make-up in 5 minutes. I bite my lips and I smile back at him. Then I turn around and walk away. I want to be near him so bad, it’s ridiculous.

 

*

_Darren_

Chris is walking away and I can’t help the feeling of uneasiness creeping up on me. I won’t be seeing much of him today as both our schedules are crazy and unfortunately we have to be at different places.

“Darren?”

“Uhm… I’m sorry?” I turn my head to look at Dianna, trying to remember the last thing she said. She turns around and looks at Chris walking away. 

“You’ve really got it bad, don’t you?” She smiles at me sweetly.

I shrug my shoulders. There are no words, really. She looks at me knowingly and squeezes my hand. “I’m so happy for you, Dare. You both deserve this, you know.”

“We’re not together. We uh… we need to… talk about it? About… what we are?”

“Darren, I know you’re both confused, probably terrified and trying to figure stuff out and all, but… you guys are together, honey. You’re so together.”

I think about the reason I couldn’t sleep at all tonight. I think about the way I shiver every time his fingers as much as brush against my skin. Why do we seek each other out in a room packed with people? Why does his smile make me warm inside? Why is he the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I dream about when I wake up?

I recollect the way I was shaken to my very core the moment he finally reached out to touch, to caress, to really feel. Something happened there. We were connected before, but since that moment it seems like our bodies woke up and remembered something that was there all along, but our minds forgot: we belong to each other. Yeah, we’re together. We should be.

I fumble at my sunglasses and look at Dianna. “He grounds me, you know? He does. He’s my go-to person, when it’s all too much. When I feel like there are too many people who want a piece of me and it’s crowded and I feel like I’m all over the place and I just can’t fucking breathe… he’s there. He’s my anchor in this sea of crazy.”

She nods. “I know. I can tell.”

I hesitate. “I’m not sure of what we are. Not yet. It’s… I don’t know. Do we really need to define this though? Being near him is the best part of my day and that’s all I need to know right now.”

Dianna sweeps me into a hug and she whispers in my ear. “I love you both, you know. Take care of each other?”

I squeeze her shoulder. “We will.”

 

*

_Chris_

I knock on the door of Darren’s trailer and step inside.

“Hey.”

He’s pacing back and forth, but he stops to look at me. “Hi.” 

There’s a tentative smile, a cautious look in his eyes. When I hold his gaze, I catch a glimpse of uncertainty. I take a deep breath and I walk up to him. He doesn’t move. He waits patiently, the air heavy with anticipation. My lips brush his jaw and I can feel the stubble there. He whimpers. I can see the longing in his eyes and it makes me realize he’s been craving this as much as I have. It makes me grab the collar of his shirt real tight. I nuzzle my nose in the crook of his neck and I feel his hands at the back of my head. He runs his fingers through my hair and I finally exhale, as if it’s the first time today. As if it’s finally okay to let go. My body goes pliant against him. I feel him leaning in, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

“God, I missed you today.” His voice is wavering, as if there are too many emotions bundled up inside.

I nod. I can only whisper. “Missed you, too. Missed you so much. I need to touch you so bad, Dare, like…right now.”

My hands fly up his hair again and I can’t help but search for his lips. His mouth crashes against mine. He runs his tongue along the seam of my lips, coaxing me to open my mouth. A small choking sound escapes my throat and it takes me by surprise. There’s the intensity again. I can’t shake it off. He pushes his tongue inside and slightly tilts his head and I can’t do anything but go along with it, taking everything he’s willing to give me. I tug at his curls. I want him to react, the way he did last night and he does. He moans softly and his breath hitches. Then he murmurs my name in that familiar way.

“Chris.”

I suck at his lower lip and he thrusts against me. “Touch me.”

I’m out of breath. “Uh, shouldn’t we uh… go some place else? I mean, we’re still at…”

“Touch me, baby, please.” He almost whines now.

I can feel him hot and hard against me and I pull him close, pressing my hips flush against him. He mouths down my neck and my eyes flutter. My hands slip under his clothes where I can feel the warmth of his skin. I let my fingers wander along his body, feeling the tight muscles in his back. Then I tug at his shirt.

“Off. Now.” I’m panting and my heart is racing. Fast.

He raises his arms and I yank the shirt over his head. I grab his cheeks and I just have to kiss him again, it’s almost aggressive, but I can’t help it. He cups my face and sucks at my bottom lip, biting gently. Fuck, this is driving me insane. I feel like there’s no air, so I break the kiss and try to calm down and ease my breathing. I touch him slowly, but my fingers tremble anyway. He just watches me, his chest heaving. My hands roam his body, carefully. I can see him swallowing.

“Chris.” His voice is hoarse and the air is thick with desire. I can see the goosebumps on his skin. My thumbs graze his nipples and I lower my head and flick my tongue over them. It makes him close his eyes and moan low in his throat. He grabs my head again and kisses me open-mouthed. It’s all tongue and teeth. It’s dirty. I like it. 

I turn him around and press my lips against the spot between his shoulder blades.  
“You’re beautiful.” I lay my cheek against his warm skin and press my body against his as closely as I can. He groans and pushes his ass back against me. His hands search mine.

“Where did you go?”

“I’m here. Right here.” I splay my hands across his chest and I can feel his heart pounding. I bite down his neck and then flick my tongue over it to soothe the sensitive skin. My hands slide down his side.

“Ugh, Chris.” He tugs at my shirt. “Take it off. Off. Please. I wanna feel you.”

I get rid of my shirt as quickly as I can and when I reach for the button of his jeans, I try not to let my voice tremble too much. “This okay?”

He nods quickly. “Yeah, yeah, so okay.” He tries to touch my bare skin, but I’m still standing behind him, which makes it hard for him to reach out. “I wanna feel you, Chris, come on.” He sounds desperate and I can sense his impatience.

I pull down the zipper of his pants and then one of my hands slides inside. His breath catches.  
“Oh! Ugh…”

I wrap my fingers around his cock and start stroking. Slowly.  
He moans. “Oh God! That feels so good. Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop, baby, please. Ugh, so good…”

Ok. So he’s a babbling mess right now. This is making me lose my mind. I did this. He’s looking all wrecked because of me. He lays his head back on my shoulder and closes his eyes. His hand comes up to my cheek and I lean into his touch, whispering. “I want to make you feel so good, Dare, let me make you feel good.”

“I… yeah…ugh…”

I trail my tongue down the curve of his neck, looking for his pulse and when I find it, I suck at the skin. Hard. I want to leave a mark. I want people to know that he’s taken. He’s mine.

He whimpers and then pushes my hand out of his pants. I look at him in confusion as he turns around quickly.

“It’s ok, baby, it’s fine, I just want to see you. I want to see your face, Chris, let me see your face.” He practically whines as he crashes our mouths together and kisses me hard. Then he takes my hand while he watches me and slowly puts my fingers around his cock again, his hand covering mine. He looks flushed. His pupils are blown and he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

“God, Darren.” My cock is painfully throbbing in my pants, but I don’t care about that right now. I want to get him off real bad. I shove down his jeans and start stroking him again. He tries to get at my zipper, but I push his hand away. “No, sweetie. I’ll take care of you right now, okay? Just relax, yeah? Let me make you feel good.”

“But …”

“No, it’s fine. I want to make you come, Dare, I want to make you come so bad.” I look at him, panting, looking all disheveled. “You’re so gorgeous, baby, you really are.” My thumb grazes the head of his cock and his eyes roll back.

“Fuck…fuck.” He throws his head back and I can see the thick veins in his neck. He’s sweating like crazy. It’s messy and hot as hell. I yank down my zipper to ease the pressure and bite my lips. God, I could come just from watching him like that. I grab his neck and tug him closer. I try to kiss him, but he’s completely out of breath.

“I’m… I’m sorry…I…” His voice is strangled.

“It’s fine. It’s fine.” I’m already wrecked. “Don’t worry.”

He presses his forehead against mine as I keep working him over. I look down at his cock and I can see precome welling up at the tip. He’s babbling again and I can tell he’s close. He starts fucking up into my fist, breathing raggedly. He’s shaking with need. 

“Chris…Chris…” I can feel him tensing up and I know he’s about to lose it.

“Come on, baby, come for me.” I kiss his temple. “Come for me, now.” That pushes him over the edge. He grunts, low in his throat and then he spills over my fist.

“Ugh, Chris…Chris…oh…”

I stroke him through it and kiss him while he comes down. He’s still panting and shaking a little, but he grabs my shoulders and pulls me in for a slow and languid kiss.

“Fuck, baby, that was…hmm…” He kisses me again. His voice is low as he whispers. “Want me to blow you?”

I moan softly, but I shake my head, no. “Not gonna last.” Seeing him come like that almost made me tip over the edge too. I reach down for my cock, but he pushes my hand away.

“Let me.”

I close my eyes when he touches me and let my head fall on his shoulder. “God, Dare, I need this…need this…oh…” It only takes a few strokes and then I’m coming hard between us. 

“Oh…oh…” I’m all out of words now.

My heart is hammering in my chest and I look away in an attempt to get it together. I feel overwhelmed. Darren seems to sense my mood. He pulls me in and holds me close.

“Shhh, it’s fine, baby, I’ve got you. You’re fine.”

I need some time to come down and when I finally catch my breath, I try not to stutter. “Hh… has it ever been like this? F… for you?”

He leans his forehead against mine, then sighs and shakes his head. “It hasn’t.”

 

*

 

_Darren_

Chris is coming home with me, we just can’t be apart right now. It’s been a long day and what happened in my trailer, well…it left us shaken up and I can’t really tell why. All I know is that I need to be with him and I can tell by the way he keeps close to me that he needs me, too. He hasn’t touched me or said a word since we left work, and I know we still have to decide how we’re going to do this, but I’m starting to get worried. I fumble with my keys, but before I open the door, I gently touch his face and make him turn to look at me.

“Chris?”

There’s worry in his eyes and something else I can’t define. He leans in to my touch. “Please let me stay the night?”

He looks so vulnerable right now. It makes me insecure.

“Sure, yeah. Of course.” I hesitate. “Chris, I… Was it too much? Do you… regret it?”

He takes my hand and squeezes it. “No, I… I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, I just… I want to be with you, right now. Will you… let me?” His eyes wander and there’s this uneasiness oozing off him. It makes me want to hold him.

I nod. “Yeah, sure. Come here.” I pull him in for a hug and whisper in his ear. “Whatever you need, baby.” I run my thumb over his lower lip and give him a chaste kiss. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

Joey is on the couch, watching a movie and his face lights up when he sees us coming in. “Hey, you guys! Fuck, this is so good! You’ve got to see this fucker man, he rules, big time!” His smile falters when he looks at Chris. “Uh…everything okay?”

I shrug my shoulders. “We’re fine. Just…tired. What are you watching?” He tosses me the movie while I plop down on the couch and tug Chris along with me. I squeeze his thigh and ask him softly: “Wanna stay here and watch the movie, babe?”

He smiles and nods. “Okay.” He looks worn out.

I run my fingers through his hair. “You can go to sleep if you want to. I’ll come with you?”

“No, it’s fine. Let’s stay here for a while.”

“Okay. Let me get you a drink then.”

I head for the kitchen ignoring Joey’s questioning looks. When I come back Chris is bracing himself, looking all tense and nervous. I sit down beside him and tug him close. “Hey baby, what’s up?”

He buries his face in the crook of my neck. “Just need to be close, Dare. I’ll be fine.”

I bite my lip, forcing myself to keep calm and give him the space that he needs. It’s hard for me though. When there’s something on my mind, I need to talk about it, that’s just how I roll. It doesn’t work for him that way, so I keep my mouth shut, holding him tight instead. He curls into my side and I feel powerless. How am I supposed to fix something, if I don’t even know what’s wrong?

Joey keeps shooting me worried glances, but I shake my head at him. We’ll talk about it in the morning.

That night Chris lies close to me, wearing a pair of my sweatpants and a Michigan t-shirt. It warms my heart to see him wearing my clothes, but the feeling can’t ease my troubled mind. Nothing happens between us. I just hold him close and stroke his back gently until I feel his body relax.

“Chris? You sleeping?”

He doesn’t answer. I kiss the top of his head and mumble. “Don’t you worry, baby, I’ll take care of you. You’ll be just fine.”

 

*


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have the time to write these last few weeks and I really missed it! Anyway, here's another chapter in which the boys finally have that talk... Hope you'll like it, feel free to let me know!
> 
> Thanks again for editing, Lynne!
> 
> Enjoy!

_Darren_

I’m sitting on the floor of Lea’s living room, drinking a beer and bopping my head to the music. Chord is talking to Harry and me about a band we should totally check out and I do my very best to concentrate on what he’s saying instead of watching Chris who is standing on the other side of the room. He’s talking to Amber and Heather, looking absolutely gorgeous while he’s at it. He’s wearing a tight green shirt that makes his eyes look even more blue than they normally do and once again I can’t take my eyes off of him. 

We shot a big group scene today and when Lea suggested we should all go down to her house for a little get-together, we kind of all invaded her living room without really giving it a second thought, talking and drinking and just glad to have the evening off. I haven’t talked to Chris since we got here. I don’t know how to go about this. We haven’t been with this many people since we kind of… got together or whatever we are, and since we haven’t had a chance to talk about it yet, I don’t exactly know how to behave.

I watch him heading for the kitchen and I take my chance.

“Uhm, sorry man, have to use the bathroom.” I interrupt Chord in the middle of a sentence, pat him on the back and make a bee-line for the kitchen. Chris is standing at the counter fumbling with a can of Diet Coke and when I notice there’s no one eIse there, I make sure to close the door behind me. He looks up to me and smiles, but I don’t miss that look in his eyes. He’s being cautious.

“Hi.” I walk up to him.

“Hi.”

“I didn’t get a chance to talk to you yet.”

He smiles nervously. “No, I… I don’t know…” I notice him clasping his fingers. “How are we handling this, Darren? I mean, should we tell people? Can we tell people? Are we allowed to?” He seems on edge and I bite my lips. We should definitely talk. I’m not sure he wants to hear what I’m going to say though. I move closer. I want to make him relax. I want to smooth him over and soften him, until he’s got that open, vulnerable, sweet look on his face that makes me want to lay him down and tell him he’s been found. I want to soothe him, let my fingers wander over his body until his tenseness dissolves in my affection. I’m about to kiss him and do just that when the door suddenly flies open.

“Oh, Chris! There you are! I wondered where you disappeared to.” Lea comes bouncing in, grabbing a few bottles. She waves at me while she passes. “Hey Dare!” We just stand there, looking at her, waiting for her to disappear again. She acts like she doesn’t notice the tension in the room and when she swings the door open again, bottles balancing in her arms, she yells over her shoulder. “We’re about to order some Chinese food, nobody has really eaten yet. Are you guys coming?”

Then we are alone again. Chris smiles at me half-heartedly. “Well you heard the lady of the house. We should go back out there.” He seems strained and jumpy and it’s throwing me off.  
I move into his personal space and hide my nose in the crook of his neck. My fingers slide along his sides, slipping underneath his shirt. His skin is so smooth, so warm, I don’t want to leave yet. I want to loosen him up. I want to make him feel better.

“Darren, come on. What if someone sees us?” I can feel his heartbeat speeding up and his breathing gets more shallow.

“Hmmm.” I actually don’t give a damn, but I really should. “Just want to feel you, baby.” I press our foreheads together and grind up against him.

He gasps. “Oh, don’t do that. Darren, please, just…don’t. If you keep this up I’ll be in no state to go back out there anytime soon.” He grabs my head, though, and pulls me in for a heated kiss. Then he lets go and looks away, but I still saw that hungry look he’s now trying to hide. His chest is heaving and he bites his lips, hands clenched into a fist. I touch his cheek. He turns his head and I stare into his stormy blue-grey eyes. I have no idea where it’s coming from, but suddenly he spins me around, leans into me and grabs my wrists. He wraps his fingers around them, squeezing tight. I stiffen and draw a sharp breath, but he won’t let me go. He moves really close to me, pressing me against the counter, letting me feel his weight holding me down. He’s slightly shaking at first, but then his body relaxes against mine and he sighs. His eyes never leave mine. Not for a second.

I whisper quietly. “You like that, don’t you, when you press up against me. You like it when you are in control.”

His cheeks turn bright red. “Uh…” He swallows hard and he doesn’t answer, but I can see it in his eyes. He does like it. I close the small gap between us and slide my tongue into his mouth. He moans softly and I’m struggling to keep my hands down, but he still won’t let me go. I want to grab his face and kiss him hard, but I can’t move and it’s making me shiver. Then I suddenly realize somebody’s bound to come looking for us and I don’t want to share this just yet. 

“Hmm.” I break the kiss carefully. “Maybe we should…” I glance at Chris, hesitating, not sure how to continue. He nods.

“Yeah, come on, let’s go, before Lea comes waltzing in, dragging us down there.” When I look at him, his eyes are wide and dark and he seems reluctant to let me go, but then he releases my wrists and takes my hand, automatically entwining our fingers. We both sigh at the same time and then we’re smiling and all of this is just crazy, but I love it. We walk to the door, but then he stops short. He looks at our joined hands.

“Dare? We uh… we should really figure out what it is we’re doing here. I mean, somebody’s going to find out and when they do… well… I would like to know where I’m standing here.” He lets go of me and shoves his hands in his pockets. He doesn’t look at me. “I know this is not the time nor the place to have this conversation, but… what are we doing? Hooking up? Because you said we wouldn’t do that. So are we… dating? Friends with benefits? Something…else?” He shrugs his shoulders. “I know you’re not the kind of person that needs to define everything, but I kind of… need that? So…yeah…”

I take one of his hands and squeeze it. “Chris? Please look at me?”

He does and I’m startled by all these different emotions I can see on his face right now. There’s confusion, hope, frustration and even… sadness?

“We’re not hooking up, okay? We’re not. It’s… so much more than that. Let’s talk later tonight? I’ll come over and we’ll talk, really talk? But in the meantime… let’s just enjoy each other’s company without being too obvious about it? For now?”

He nods. “Yeah, that’s… yeah, okay. Let’s go then.”

I follow him into the living room where everyone is scattered about, sitting in chairs, on the couch, and on the floor and I claim the spot next to Chris on the carpet. Twenty minutes later the food arrives and then we’re all eating, drinking, laughing at each other’s jokes and telling silly stories. It’s really nice. Except for the fact that I’m not nearly as close enough to Chris as I would like to be, but something holds me back. It’s this conversation we still didn’t have. It’s the guarded look in his eyes. I’m putting it off and I know it. I don’t want to deal with the consequences yet and there will be consequences. I look at him, smiling and joking around, being all witty and smart and beautiful.

Lea nudges me. I didn’t even notice she came to sit next to me. She whispers in my ear. “Why don’t you sit close to him? Go hug your man!”

She surprises me. Is there even anyone in this room right now who doesn’t suspect us being together? She must pick up on my mood, because I see a worried glance in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Suddenly there’s a lump in my throat. “Nothing.” I shake my head and try to smile. I’m sure it doesn’t reach my eyes. I really have to talk to him. Soon.

Lea puts her hand on my arm. “You know you can talk to me, right?” Her eyes are soft. I know she means it.

I smile again and this time, it’s genuine. “Yeah, I know.”

She nudges me again. “Go on. Almost everyone is drunk by now anyway. Nobody will bat an eyelash. Besides, we all know how cuddly you guys can get.”  
I decide to let my guard down for just one more night and scoot closer to Chris. If he’s surprised, then he doesn’t let it show. He puts his drink aside so I can snuggle up against him. So much for trying not to be obvious.

“Hey sweetie.” I know I can’t kiss him, though I would really like to. Feeling his fingers trail through my hair is almost just as good, though and I turn my head a little, allowing his neck to muffle the small sounds that I just can’t hold back.

He tilts my chin so he can look at me. “Someone’s feeling cuddly tonight.” His smile falters when our eyes lock. “You okay?” He sounds unsure.

I nod. “I’m fine.” I’m not sure he can see the sadness in my smile, but he tugs me closer anyway.

Then he asks me quietly: “Stay over tonight?” He rubs his thumb over my wrist again and he sighs. “Please?”

I press a quick kiss on the back of his hand and just hope nobody notices. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

*

_Darren_

“So, what do you need?” Chuck sounds far off and I know he’s at some kind of party, but I really needed to call him. I need someone to talk to, someone that will understand.

“I need you to cut the crap and tell me what you think.”

“No, man, I mean: what do you need? What do you want out of a relationship? Do you want to make an effort? Do you want to make sacrifices? Because, you know, if you want to be with him? There will be sacrifices. This won’t be a walk in the park, Dare, even if you want it to be. You’re both in the public eye now and as much as you would like to, you’re not free to love whoever you want to love.”  
I swallow around the lump in my throat. “That’s just crazy.” It’s crazy and unfair. I choke back the tears that are threatening to spill. “That’s crazy.” I knew I couldn’t be out in the open with Chris, I did, but somehow hearing Chuck say it, makes it even more real.

“I feel for you, little bro, but that’s just the way it is, for now.”

I feel like crying. I feel like my heart is laying there, right in front of me, laying there on the ground. I whisper. “Should I let him go?”

“Listen, Dare, I don’t want to push you and I’ll have your back either way, you know that, but… look at you. You’re pretty much radiating when he’s near. I’ve never seen you this happy and in tune. Oh, and these few weeks you guys weren’t talking? Well, let’s just say that wasn’t pretty. You’re a mess without him. Just saying, you know. I mean, I haven’t seen you like this with anyone, ever.”

“What if I mess him up? I mean, he’s a great guy, he’s so smart and funny and beautiful. He works hard, he’s an incredible actor and there’s his writing... and he’s so confident, he knows what he wants, if he doesn’t want it, it ain’t happening.” I almost hear Chuck smiling over the phone with the way I’m gushing about Chris, but I can’t help it. “So, you know, he’s that guy, but he’s also the guy who can’t sleep at night. He’s the guy who has anxiety attacks when he’s in a crowd and he’s the guy that’s been…hurt before. He’s been through so much already, can I really ask him to do this? I know he’s big on privacy, but he also deserves someone that wants to be with him out in the open and I…can’t give him that. Not right now.” I rub my eyes. Fuck, this is getting to me.

“He deserves someone who loves him Darren and that’s, well….that’s you.”

It sounds so simple when he says it, but I know it won’t be.

“So… what do you need?”

I shake my head and I finally feel the tears falling down. “I need him.”

 

*

_Chris_

I’m watching Darren pacing back and forth in my bedroom and it’s really adorable, but it also worries me. Why is it so hard for us to have this conversation? “Hey.” I take his hand and tug him closer. “Sit down with me?”

He crawls on the bed and sits across from me, not looking me in the eyes. Then he seems to decide on something, because I see his shoulders slump and he sighs audibly.

“So…I’ve talked to some people. We’ll, uh… we’ll have to be cautious about this. You and me, I mean, about our, uh… relationship.”

Suddenly my heart is thumping, because: ‘relationship’? I can’t help the feeling he’s going to tell me something I don’t want to hear, though and I’m having a hard time concentrating on what he’s saying right now.

He clears his throat. “We’ll have to be careful, we can’t just be together…uh…in public and all…”

My throat goes dry. I can’t believe he’s saying this. Why is he saying this?

“We can’t be together in public? Why not? What are you saying, Darren? Are you breaking this off?”

“No! No, Chris, hear me out, yeah? I want this. I want to be with you, I really do. We just can’t be too… obvious about it.”

“So, you’re saying, you want to be with me, but no one can know about it? Are you… ashamed of me?” God, why does it feel like my heart is shredding to pieces? My hand flies up to my mouth to try and stop the emotions from coming out and I turn around. I can’t do this.

*

_Darren_

“Chris, please, hear me out.” I grab his shoulder to turn him around and the look on his face… it’s devastating. His eyes are wide and full of tears. His hands are clutched in fists and he’s trembling, trying not to lose his composure.

“Do you have any idea what kind of shit I have to go through every day, for being who I am?” His eyes are red-rimmed and his voice is shaky. I can feel my heart drop. The last thing I wanted to do is hurt him and now he’s sitting in front of me and he’s just … wrecked. 

“Do you have any idea how much heartache it took, how much … effort to be out and proud and not let any of those people get to me? Those people who kept telling me I couldn’t be myself because that person… that person that I wanted to be… the person who I am… is disgusting and just flat out… wrong?” Tears are streaming down his face now and my chest hurts like it’s going to explode. I reach out to touch him but he scoots away from me and I can’t even describe how much that hurts me.

“I’ve been through a lot because of who I am Darren, you know that. You, of all people, you know! You know me, you know my… history. You’re always telling people to be themselves, to be proud of who they are and now you’re telling me we can’t be together because of who we are? You’re telling me we have to hide? Why do we have to do that? Because the way we feel is wrong?” He sniffles and his voice breaks. “It doesn’t feel wrong to me.”

His words are like knives, cutting my skin and I don’t know how to defend myself. Because he’s right. I know what he’s been through and I wouldn’t want to hurt him in any way, but… I am. My cheeks are wet and I didn’t realize I was crying until now. I try to contain myself so I can talk to him.

“It’s not wrong, Chris. The way we feel… it’s not wrong at all. If it were up to me… I’m so proud of you baby, so proud… but…” I shrug my shoulders. How do I say this to him? How do I say this without scaring him off?

Suddenly his eyes go wide with realization. “…but it’s not up to you? Oh, no, you didn’t…” He shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “Is this because of your… contract? Please, Darren, don’t tell me you were stupid enough to….”

I press my fist against my mouth, trying to keep my body and emotions under control, but I’m just… shaking now. I’m panicking. “I saw a chance, Chris, a good one… A chance to be on a great show…” There’s no air and I have to spit out the words. I can’t seem to breathe right now. “I took it.” I can’t hold it in any longer, tears are falling again and a strange noise escapes from the back of my throat. I don’t want to lose him, please don’t let me lose him. My emotions are overwhelming me, I just can’t think straight anymore. Then his arms are around me.

“Oh, sweetie.” He grabs my neck and clings to me. He’s still crying and his voice is strangled. “That wasn’t a very smart thing to do.”

I gasp for air and try to calm down. “I know. I know, I know now, I’m sorry.” I grab him and hold him so tight, it must hurt, but I need to feel him. “I’m sorry, Chris, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I can’t stop crying, I just can’t. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He holds me tight. “Shhh. It’s okay, Dare. We’ll figure it out. It’s ok. Breathe now, baby, come on. Breathe.”

*

_Darren_

_Why are you moving so slowly? As if you could break me? You could you know._

His hands roam over my body and I feel loved. I feel loved, but fragile at the same time.

“Chris.” I whisper his name every now and then, but other than that, we don’t talk. He wants to feel me, really needs it right now and I let him. I let him take whatever he wants. His fingers and his mouth explore my body, going nowhere and everywhere and I arch into his touch, I just can’t help it. He still whimpers every so often, sliding his hands across my skin. After a while, he’s quiet, laying half on top of me, his head on my chest. I absentmindedly trail my fingers through his hair. 

“So, you won’t walk away from me?” I whisper. I don’t want to spoil this moment, but I need to know. I need him to say it.

His mouth grazes my thigh. I feel his warm breath and then he kisses the sensitive skin softly.

“I wouldn’t even know how to.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I very much enjoyed writing this part, hope you like reading it...
> 
> Formatting isn't my thing, so...thanks for helping me out there, Lynne!
> 
> Enjoy!

_Chris_

“You look like shit.” Ashley states the obvious while she gives me a mischievous look. “Is he treating you right? Cause, you know you just have to say the word and I’ll…”

“Ash!” I glare at her and rub my hands across my face. I’m so tired. So unbelievably tired. I look out the window of the fancy car that is taking us to the event. Award shows can be really exhausting, especially when you’re not feeling up to it. I’m not feeling up to it. My lack of sleep is starting to mess with my mind, I’m having trouble concentrating, and my head hurts like hell. The show must go on though, so in about fifteen minutes I’ll be nodding, waving and smiling in front of the cameras and lenses, trying not to have a major panic attack. It’s going to be crowded. I hate crowds. I hate going in there by myself. Well, I’m not exactly by myself, but… I need him. I need Darren.

“Chris?” Ashley’s worried voice shakes me out of my thoughts. “I need to know, before we go out there. I know I joke around a lot, but… I’m being serious here, you okay?” She frowns.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes for the briefest of moments. I nod. 

“I’m fine, Ash. I’m just getting used to this new situation. It’s a lot to take in, you know. I mean…I finally meet this great guy who’s actually crazy about me too, and now we have to hide. It’s hard, doing all these things without him.” I bite my lips and look out of the window again. I can see the city flashing by and wonder about all those different lives out there. I wonder about all those people in their houses, on the street, at work. I wonder about them sleeping, eating, shopping, fighting, dreaming. I wonder about all those hopes and wishes, successes and failures, expectations and delusions. It’s making me melancholic.

Ashley takes my hand. “You could stop this, you know. If it’s too much, if it’s too hard. You could just stop it. If you just as much as give a hint that you can’t take it anymore, he’ll end it. He’d do that for you, Chris. He would be miserable, but he would do it for you. He loves you that much.”

I whisper. “I know.” I swallow hard. I think about these last few weeks. It has been difficult. It’s tough when you’re in a relationship, but you’ve got nothing to show for it. I don’t even want all that much. I don’t want to make out with him in public, I just want to be able to sit next to him and look at him the way I want to. I don’t want to be cautious all the time, afraid of the things my face would betray if I just talk to him or sit next to him, stealing glances. I just want to be able to be in the same room without being restricted. We can’t even take a picture together. We can’t do any interviews together. We’re too obvious about this. Like I can control how I feel. Like I can control the way the easy banter just rolls off my tongue when we’re talking and joking around. Like I could change anything about the way my heart warms when I see his gorgeous smile. I just want to hold his fucking hand. Is that really so much to ask? I want to hold his hand.

There’s nothing we can do about it, though. So we take private pictures and have private conversations, ignoring each other pretty much when we’re in public. When we have interviews for the show, we are seated as far away from each other as possible and we smile and talk and make it through, all the while trying not to look at each other so this longing to be near one another isn’t there for everyone to see. I’m trying to hide, trying to slip under the radar and disappear, but I have the feeling that the harder I try the more my heart is out there, bare, just lying there, raw, for everyone to see. Somehow, the hiding makes me more vulnerable. It’s not even logical, but that’s the way I feel about it and it’s weighing me down.

“How’s Darren doing?”

I turn to look at Ashley. “He’s…okay, I guess. He’s having a hard time, though. You know what he’s like. He wears his heart on his sleeve, it’s hard for him to lie like that. He’s blaming himself.”

Ashley nods. “Are you handling it?”

I shrug. “It’s not his fault the world isn’t ready for this. How can I blame him for all those ignorant, disrespectful, even hateful people out there that make relationships like ours seem wrong? I love him and I want to protect him, no matter what, so if that means I have to deceive, pretend and lie about it, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.”

Ashley squeezes my hand. “I admire you for that, Chris, all joking aside, you’re so strong.”

“I do what needs to be done, Ash, no regrets, to protect something that is so very important to me. The most important.” I look out the window again. “He’s my everything. It’s as simple as that.”

“Do you ever tell him that? Does he know?”

I think about Darren, about the way he looks at me, his gentle eyes shining with affection. I think about the way he hugs me, about the way he holds my head when he’s about to kiss me. I think about the way he woke me up this morning, cuddling and peppering sweet kisses along my face. I feel warmth spreading through my chest. Now I miss him even more. I smile at Ashley.

“He knows.”

The car comes to a stop and the next thing I know I’m ushered out, blinking against the bright flashes of the paparazzi. Time to hold my head up high and smile.

*  
 _Chris_

“So Darren went to that party?”

“Yeah, he did. He’s meeting me back at my place when he’s done.” I look at Chord and shoot him a careful smile. I’m trying to appear composed here, Darren will ask him about it and I don’t want him to worry. He knows this kind of stuff is not exactly my cup of tea, so I’m sure he asked Chord to look out for me.

“You’re up for the interviews?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” Another cautious smile. God, I’m supposed to be an actor, why can’t I pretend around my friends?

Chord lets his fingers rest on my arm. He squeezes lightly. “Need me to back you up?”

I shake my head. “No, I’ll be fine. I’m just a little tired. I’ll call Darren when we get inside. It’ll make me feel better.”

He nods. “Okay, just….let me know if you need anything?”

I roll my eyes. “Really, how much did he pay you to stalk me like that?”

It breaks the tension and Chord is laughing out loud now. He pats me on the back. “I love you too, you know.” He winks at me.

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. I’ll keep your phone number around, for times I get lonely.” I sigh dramatically. “Oh, the things to do on a rainy day.”

He laughs again and nudges my shoulder. “I do love you guys, you know and for real: anything I can do to help… I know it’s hard on the both of you, but he really wants this to work, Chris, maybe you don’t like me interfering, but… you know, he just wants to look out for you and since he’s not here to do it himself…”

“I know, I appreciate it. I really do. Thanks for having our backs.” I smile at him one last time and this one actually feels genuine. Then I turn around, take a deep breath and start walking: on with the show.

Just a few more hours and I’ll be home, lying next to Darren, holding him tight. I’ll tuck him in close, I’ll smell his familiar scent, rub my cheek against his stubble, make sure he’s really there. He’ll probably be agitated, all this pretending is making him insecure. I’ll just hold him close, though, I’ll hold him close and make him forget about the world.

*

_Darren_

“Chris? Baby? I’m back!” I stumble through the hallway, tripping over some shoes and what seems like an umbrella.

“In here!”

I hear noises coming from the kitchen and I peak my head around the corner. “What are you doing? Are you… cooking?”

He looks up and he’s actually blushing. “I, uh…”

I look at the plate he puts on the counter. “Oh, my god, Chris, you made fried bananas? I love those!”

He chuckles. “I know. I just… I really missed you tonight and you weren’t here when I got home, so I just… I wanted to make you something? It’s stupid to do this in the middle of the night, I know.” He looks down in embarrassment.

I step closer and take him into my arms. “Hey, no, don’t do that, baby.” I kiss his lips lightly. “I love it when you do stuff like that for me. Makes me feel really loved and cared about, you know? Knowing that you were thinking of me and wanted to do something sweet for me like that.” I smile at him. “So… let’s eat?”

He beams at me. “Yeah, let’s eat.”

We sit at the kitchen counter, feeding each other little bites. “Hmm, this is so good!”

He grins. “I know, right? “

I cup his cheeks and give him a slow, languid kiss. He sighs when I break it off and it makes me want to take his breath away, so I take the bite he offers me and hurry to swallow so I can kiss him all over again.

“Hmm, if we ever go public and someone asks me how I seduced the wonderful Mr. Darren  
Criss, all I have to say is that I made you dessert.” He giggles.

“You can make me dessert any time, baby.” I kiss him once again, tasting the sweetness in his mouth. We finish the food and clear out the plates. I take his hand and tug him closer. 

“Come over here.” He crawls in my lap and I hide my face in his neck.

“Tired?” His fingers get lost in my hair.

“Hmmm.” I nod slightly. “Yeah, all I really want to do right now is go to bed and hold you close.”

He kisses the top of my head. “ Sounds like a plan. Let’s go.”

*

_Darren_

“I swear to god, if I close my eyes right now, I’ll be sound asleep within five minutes.”

Chris crawls on top of the bed and drops himself next to me. “Ugh. I feel you, sweetie.”  
He closes his eyes. I nudge at him. 

“Hey now, keep them open, I want to cuddle before you start snoring.”

He peeks through one eye, still able to glare at me. “I don’t snore!”

I scoot closer and kiss the tip of his nose. “Sure you do.” Another kiss on his cheek. “But I’ll forgive you,” A kiss on his lips, “because you’re the sweetest thing.” My mouth lingers and he doesn’t answer anymore, sliding his tongue along the seam of my lips. We stay like that for a while, cuddling, sharing lazy kisses. I talk to him quietly. “I missed you today.”

“Hmm. Missed you too. You asked Chord to look out for me.” It’s not a question. He knows I did.

“That was sweet of you.”

“It didn’t bother you?”

He shakes his head. “No, I like it when you take care of me, Dare. I really wanted you to be there, you know?”

I sigh. “Yeah. I know.”

He kisses me with more intent and my body immediately reacts, hips bucking up against him. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

He bites gently at my bottom lip. “It’s okay, Darren. It’s fine. Come here.” His fingers slide down my sides and he tugs at my shirt. “Take it off, baby.”

Suddenly I have goosebumps. I shudder. “Chris…”

“Take your shirt off, Darren. Now.” Uh, okay. He’s hot when he’s bossing me around. I take off my shirt in one go and throw it somewhere near the bed.

“Pants too.”

Fuck. I’m already out of breath. The sweatpants follow the direction of my shirt and I’m feeling really naked, as Chris is still fully dressed. He lays down on top of me and it’s kind of weird, but also really hot. He kisses that spot on the side of my neck and I’m so gone.

“Oh, fuck. Why would you do that?”

He chuckles. “I could stop, you know.”

I grumble. “Don’t you dare!” I try to sit up, but then his mouth is on mine again and all coherent thoughts melt into the sheets.

His fingers wander and find a stray curl, tugging hard while he thrusts against me. My eyes flutter and I can’t hold back this low rumble in my throat.

“God, Chris, you’re driving me crazy!”

“Hmm. Good.” He wraps his fingers around my cock and just keeps them there, teasing.

I moan softly. “Baby?”

“Yeah?”

“Please do something, anything, because if you don’t, I might explode any second now.”

He breathes warm against my lips. “What do you want?” His eyes are dark and I’m just a trembling mess right now. He hardly even touched me.

I blink, trying to clear my head. “Touch me, Chris, please. Anywhere, anything you want.”  
His fingers disappear and I’m just whining now. “Hey baby, no, come back!”

He smiles and slides his tongue into my mouth, kissing me slow. I grab his ass and push him down, needing some friction, anything at all. He whispers in my ear.

“Let me blow you?”

“Fuck, yeah.”

He slides down my body, nipping my skin softly, soothing the sting with his tongue. I try to catch my breath, I don’t want this to be over in a few minutes and if he keeps this up, I’m not even going to last that long.

He rubs his thumb across my thigh. “Relax, sweetie. Gonna make you feel good.”

I take his hand and entwine our fingers. After that the only thing I can feel is his mouth, hot and wet, doing all the right things in all the right places.

I do last longer than a few minutes, but it’s still too soon when I feel the familiar sensation running down my back. I grab his neck with my free hand, trying to warn him. “Chris! I’m… oh!” I’m coming down his throat, hard, but instead of backing out, he stays right where he’s at, swallowing around me.

I can’t help moaning. “Fuck! This is… you’re… uhm… this is…” Oh. I’m lost.

He chuckles and comes up to kiss me again. I grab his face and crash our mouths together. I can taste myself on his tongue. “Chris….” I look into his eyes and trace my thumb across his jaw.

He leans into my touch. “Finally found a way to make you lost for words.”

I can only whisper. “Yeah…”

There’s that gorgeous smile again, but there’s still thunder in his eyes too, and after a few moments I flip him over, shoving down his pants.

“I’ll gladly return the favor, Mr. Smarty Pants.”

He sighs happily. “Bring it on.”

*

_Chris_

I sip my drink and take a peek in the fridge to see if I can figure out what we’re having for lunch.

“Hey, no snooping around!” Lea smacks the back of my head and closes the fridge. “You just sit and relax and I’ll take care of the food.”

I grin at her. “Just making sure you’re not killing us with all the vegan stuff.”

She chuckles. “No worries, honey, Dianna did all the shopping and cooking, I’m just serving.”

“Oh, great!” I’ll have to say the dramatic sigh of relief isn’t entirely fake. As much as I like having lunch with Lea, her diet just isn’t my thing.

Dianna pats the seat next to her. “Come sit with me Chris, I’ve hardly seen you these last few weeks. So: talk to me. I want all the juicy gossip!” She smiles.

Lea drops in the seat across from mine.

“I think the juiciest stuff involves himself in one way or the other.” She smirks.

“Oh, cut it out, already!” I try to glare her down, but she won’t have it.

“Oh, just think about all the hot sex those two are having.” She turns to Dianna. “Let’s just imagine that!”

I shake my head. “No need for subtlety, is there?”

Lea takes a long swig of her drink and winks at me. “So let’s hear it, is he any good?”

“I’m not sharing any details about my sex life with you, Lea.”

“Oh, please, no need to be so tense about it. Be glad you have one.”

My cheeks turn red. She looks at me in surprise.

“Wait, you guys didn’t have sex yet?”

“Are we really talking about this?”

“Duh, yes we are!”

“Again: I’m not discussing my sex life with you, Lea!”

“You already are.”

“No, you are discussing. I’m just being embarrassed, trying to think of a way to make you drop the subject!”

She looks at me curiously. “You guys really didn’t have sex yet?”

I groan. “Oh, god. You aren’t going to drop this, are you?”

She shakes her head. “Nope.”

I try to get some back up from Dianna, but she just throws her hands in the air, giving me this ‘I’m not meddling into this one’-look, so I know I’m on my own here. I sigh in defeat. Then I shrug my shoulders and decide to answer the question truthfully. 

“It’s a big deal for me. Letting someone in like that. Not that I don’t want to, because I do, it’s just that… once we do this, there really is no way back. I mean, we’ve connected on so many levels, once we connect on that physical level too, it’s … the real thing you know. He’ll be mine and… I won’t be able to let him go, even if he hurts the shit out of me.”

Dianna nods. “Yeah, I think I get that. How does he feel about it?”

I hesitate. I don’t want to share too much but, I could use a friend to talk to.

“Well, it’s not like we haven’t done uh… stuff yet, but we didn’t get to the real deal and… I think he needs it. I think he needs it real bad, but he’s too much of a gentleman to ask me about it. He knows it’s a huge thing for me, so he won’t push me, but I think he’s… waiting for it.”

Lea puts her hand on mine. She’s being serious now. “So, what’s keeping you? Other than what you just said about being connected all the way.”

“I’m not sure. I… I guess that’s it really. I’m still a little scared of how intense this is. Scared of getting hurt. Being such an important part of someone’s life is quite intimidating, it can be a bumpy road, maybe I don’t want to go down there?”

Dianna squeezes my hand. She smiles at me softly. “Oh, honey, you’re already down there.”

*


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it: final chapter!
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this story and I hope you enjoyed reading it! 
> 
> As always: thank you, Lynne, for editing. 
> 
> Please feel free to let me know your thoughts. There's nothing better than to know there's someone out there, taking their time to read these storylines floating around in my mind. 
> 
> Wherever and whoever you are: thank you so much for reading, I appreciate every single one of you. 
> 
> For now: enjoy this last part!
> 
> x

_Darren_

I clutch the phone real tight and swallow. Again. And again. I feel bile coming up my throat. “What am I going to do? I don’t know what to do, Joey.” My voice is strained. It sounds strange, even to my own ears. For once, there’s silence on the other end of the line. I rub my hand across my face. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey, now. None of that shit. You’re going to uh… suck it up and get past it. You’ll handle it together and you’ll be stronger because of it.”

“Get past it? This is going to dictate my whole life, Joe, my whole life.”

“Not if you don’t let it, Dare. So don’t let it.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “We can’t go out together. Ever. I’ll have to pretend with her. I’ll have to deny. When I’m with him… I’ll have to lie about it.” I’m a terrible liar. I look up and blink quickly, trying to force the tears out of my eyes. I won’t cry over this. Not again. There’s an ache in my chest that just won’t disappear, though. 

“He’ll leave me.”

“No, he won’t.”

I can see people passing from my seat near the window. I follow them with my eyes, trying to divert my attention, looking at everything except the complete chaos my life has become. My coffee has gone cold. I miss him. 

“He will. He’ll leave.”

“Dare, he loves you.”

“He’s a gorgeous, talented, fairy tale prince. I’m a mess. He’ll grow tired of me. He’ll move on and find someone smarter, someone more interesting. He’ll find someone he doesn’t need to hide with, someone easy. Someone _better_.”

“No, he won’t. Who wants to settle for easy anyway?” Joey clears his throat. “Darren?”

“Yeah?”

“Talk to him. Let him know how you feel. Don’t do this panicky thing and make him run away because of it. Come on, man, don’t let this slide. I won’t let you. You don’t get to hide out in a corner and cry. You fight.”

Joey actually sounds serious for once. It’s so unlike him that I probably should make at least an attempt to joke about it, but I’m so fucking tired I don’t even say anything at all. I look out the window again, but I don’t see a thing. There’s darkness in my mind. Somehow the waitress seems to know I need a refill and when I lift my cup to sip the warm coffee, my hand is trembling.

“I’m afraid, Joe. How do I talk to him?” The complete and utter craziness of the situation doesn’t make it any less painful. “How do I tell my boyfriend that I’m officially dating someone? Someone that isn’t _him_?”

*

_Darren_

Chris is standing next to Lea, hands in his pockets, bursting out in laughter every thirty seconds or so. I wonder what it is they’re talking about. I just keep standing there, looking at him. He seems so carefree. I’m about to crush that. I can already feel the weight of it pushing me down. I feel like I’m going to ruin his innocence. Then again, Chris is not some damsel in distress. He’s strong. He knows how to put up a fight. He knows how to crawl back up again. I just don’t want to see him on his knees.

It’s like he can sense me gazing at him, because suddenly he shifts his head and looks me straight in the eye. His face goes soft and he smiles. I can’t even pretend to smile back at him. I just can’t. His brow furrows and I can see the worry in his eyes. I walk up to him and brush his arm lightly. 

“Can we talk?”

He squeezes my hand. “Sure.”

Lea shoots me a worried look. She doesn’t even try to pry this time. “I’ll leave you guys to it.”

*

_Chris_

Darren looks pale and weary, like he’s tired all the way to his bones and it sets off all kinds of alarm bells in my head. I grab his elbow.

“What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head. “Not here. My trailer?”

I feel a shiver run down my spine and not in a good way. There’s trouble ahead, I just know it and I hope it’s not going to knock us over. When I glance at Darren and I see his dejected demeanor, I can’t help but feel it already did. The moment we’re inside I slide my hand underneath the collar of his shirt and slowly rub the base of his neck with my thumb.

“Tell me.”

His head drops and I can feel him quivering.

“Dare? You okay? Talk to me, baby, please.” I try to keep my voice firm, so he won’t hear the panicky feeling that is crawling up my chest right now. He’s scaring me. When he looks up there’s so much sadness in his eyes I almost flinch. My hand flies up, caressing his cheek. “Babe?” This time I can’t hide the slight tremor in my voice.

“They want me to do it.”

“Do what?”

He looks like he’s going to be sick.

“Make it official. Make a statement. About my… relationship.” He almost spits out the words.

SuddenIy there’s no air. I never thought a simple sentence could actually make your heart literally hurt. It turns out, it can.

“Oh.”

*

_Chris_

I’m waiting in line at craft services and although I’m not even close to hungry I pick some food anyway and put it on my tray. When I turn around, my eyes scan the room and I feel the tension seeping out of me the moment I see him. Nobody, not anybody is going to keep me from sitting next to him today. All day. I walk to the crowded table and if the way Dianna makes room for me is any indication, I’m pretty sure determination is written all over my face. I squeeze his shoulder and sit next to him.

“Hey babe. You okay?”

He’s trying to smile, but I can see behind it. He’s hiding. He grabs my hand, but he won’t look at me. It isn’t until I’m fumbling with dessert that he says anything.

“I really, really need you here, Chris, but I can’t… talk right now. I can’t.”

I look at him. Carefully. I wish I hadn’t. He’s devastated and my hands are itching with the need to scoop him up and take him away, but I can’t. I can’t even touch him right now.

He talks quietly. “When we get home… hold me?” His voice wavers.

Fuck. Why does it have to be this hard? I nod. I can’t say all the stupid things I want to say. There are too many eyes and too many ears, and even if there weren’t, I probably wouldn’t say them anyway. My hand creeps under the hem of his shirt, resting on the small of his back and I don’t care if anyone sees. They probably do, but no one even mutters a word, which is a good thing really, because I’m ready to shoot daggers at anyone who tries.

*

_Chris_

My front door closes with a loud ‘thump’ and I press Darren up against it, pinning his wrists to the wooden panel. I’ve been waiting for hours to do this and I’m shaking with the need of it. Darren searches my face for something, but I can’t even figure out what it is, because my mind is all foggy with one thought and one thought only. I almost growl at him when I get it out: “Mine. You’re _mine_.”

*

_Darren_

“Show me.”

“What?”

I bite my lip and whisper. “Show me that I’m yours.”

He lingers. His teeth graze my lower lip. My breath hitches.

“Breathe.”

“What?’ My mind is fuzzy with want and desperation.

“Breathe. Keep breathing.” His voice is low. Then he’s everywhere. His teeth nip at the sensitive skin right behind my ear. His hands roam my body like they only know how to. He presses up against me. I whimper softly and move my hands, try to tug him even closer. Closer. I need him closer.

“Chris.” There’s only one word that comes to my mind. “Chris.” I know I sound needy as hell, but I’m not even remotely sorry. After today, my emotions are raw and they’re just below the surface, waiting for him to see. I’m waiting for him to see, to see me. He tugs at my hair and rubs his forehead against mine.

“Mine. You’re mine.” He licks and nips. He sucks and kisses and bites, marking me, but it’s not enough. It’s not. My chest still hurts. It hurts.

“Chris. Please…fuck me?”

He freezes.

“Please? I want to feel you inside of me.” I hold on to his shirt. Tight. “Please, Chris.” As it turns out, I’m not above begging. I cup his cheek to make him look at me. “Please.”

He’s hurting. He’s hurting, too. I can see it in his eyes.

“Not like this. I want to, but… not like this, baby.”

There’s all this need washing over me. Suddenly I’m sobbing. I just can’t stop myself. “Please, Chris, I want to feel you.” I press his body even closer to mine. “I need to feel you.”

*

_Chris_

Darren is looking at me, eyes big and pleading and something just shifts inside of me. I moan quietly and press his hands against the door again.

“Stop. Talking.” I grind my hips down and graze my teeth along the stubble on his jaw. “Stop talking.” I don’t even know what’s happening right now, but I know he’s bruised in more than one way and I know he’s lost and all I can think of right now is that I want to make him feel better. He needs to be found. I can make that happen.

“I’m sorry.” He keeps saying it. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

There’s a whole world of emotions captivated in those words, but I don’t care about that right now. I don’t care about any of it. I grab his face. “No. Don’t be. I… just… stop talking, Darren. Feel. Just feel, baby.” There are so much emotions coursing through my veins right now, I have to hold on tight to keep from drowning. I’ve just got to hold on tight.

*

_Darren_

Chris is looking at me with an intensity that has me shivering all over, his gaze dark with longing and desire. He looks at me like he owns me and I need that. I need it right now. I need to be his. All the way. His blunt nails scrape at the side of my head, along my jaw, down my neck, down, down, all the way down my throat and chest. I almost start crying again with relief. I need his possessive hands soothing my body, calming me, claiming me. _You're mine._  
Then he kisses me, hard. He told me to feel and I’m letting myself do just that. I’m feeling so damn much, my knees are about to give out. His lean body, pressing up against me, is the only thing that’s keeping me up right now. We’re frantic again, kissing, all teeth and tongue, sucking and biting, holding on with all that we’ve got. Hurting. He’s hurting me, but I need the sting to keep the world away. I need to feel he loves me. I need to feel it physically.

“Chris.” I’m panting. I need to breathe. I let my head fall back, gasping for air, but he won’t back off. I feel his tongue swirling along my neck and I’m moaning softly, because that just went straight to my cock. Fuck. “Chris. I need a minute. Chris.” I grab the collar of his shirt and he grabs mine and we hold on for dear life while our lungs desperately try to fill with air. Both of our chests are heaving and there’s so much panting going on, it’s all kinds of ridiculous. After a few moments I tug at his shirt. “Need you. Need you so bad.” I’m whimpering, but I don’t care. I want him. He nods and crumples my shirt in his fists.

“Gonna make you feel good.” He closes his eyes and whispers. “I will. I’ll make you feel good. I’ll make you feel better, baby.” He kisses me again and this time it’s a little slower, less frantic, but it’s still there: this thunder in his eyes. I need it to wash over me until I can’t think straight anymore. I start fidgeting at the buttons of his shirt. 

“Off. Off, Chris, now.” My fingers tremble, but he manages to get rid of his shirt quickly, tossing it onto the floor. Then he starts unbuttoning mine.

“You too, baby, come on.”

I can hear the urgency in his words. The only thing I can do is nod. I’m shaking. He knows.

“I’ll take care of you, baby. I’ve got you. You’re fine.” He slides my shirt off my shoulders. “I’ll take care of you, just let me. Let me.”

*

_Chris_

I take Darren’s hand and we stumble to the bedroom, kissing and grabbing each other along the way, bumping into things, discarding clothes, and being everything but gracious about this, but I really want him, like _right now_. I don’t want to do this on the stairs, though.

When we’re finally naked I push him down on the bed and crawl on top of him. I hold his hands above his head and pin him down again and that’s when I feel all the tension bleeding from his body. He’s still trembling though, and he hardly looks at me when he says it.

“I need you to own me, Chris. I need you to own me right now.”  
A sigh of relief rushes out of my body. I can do that. I can. “I’ve got you, Dare. I’m going to give you what you need. You just got to let me.” I run my finger along his jaw and make him look at me. “Let me.”

He nods again. No words. I can feel his muscles relax. 

*

_Darren_

Chris is kissing me, caressing me, _loving me_ all over and it finally makes me unwind. I’m mush under his hands. He slowed down. He slowed down, although there was a pressing need, hard against my thigh. He slowed down, because he knew I needed this first, and how is it possible that I care for this man even more now than I did before? I do.

*

_Chris_

Darren’s slowly coming undone under my touch and I didn’t even really do that much to him yet. It shows how much he needs this, hell, how we both need this. There’s a hunger that goes beyond the complete satisfaction and utter bliss of an orgasm. I need him to ease my soul.

*

_Darren_

I’m in a fuzzy state of mind right now, Chris’ hands and touches are the only things I can focus on. I’m so hard I’m aching with it. I need something, anything, so I lead his hand to my cock and then I’m gone. I let him set the pace. There’s not a sensible word coming out of my mouth anymore. Not right now. This is it. I let him take over. The only thing I can do right now is feel. There’s nothing else.

*

_Chris_

Darren’s pretty out of it. He’s lost in his emotions and I took him there. I’ll take care of him now. I let go to grab the lube and uncap it and he softly whimpers at the loss of my touch.

“Shh. It’s okay, baby, I’ve got you. I’m here. I’m right here, sweetie.” I squeeze the bottle and coat my fingers, all the while looking at this gorgeous man who’s waiting for me. He’s short of breath and he’s still shivering, but his eyes are at ease. I move closer and gently spread his legs a little wider. Then I push in one finger, carefully, and he moans again. I kiss his temple. He’s hot and sweaty and so beautiful writhing on the sheets. I add another finger and he hisses, clearly needing to adjust.

“Sweetie, you okay?”

He catches his breath.

“Darren? Baby? I need you here for a moment, please look at me?”

He does and the sweetness in his eyes appeases me. “I’m fine. I’m fine, Chris. Just keep going. I’m fine.”

I kiss him cautiously and start stroking him to make him relax. It doesn’t take long before he’s breathless again, but this time he keeps looking at me while I’m working him over. He looks so goddamn hot. He’s my man. My man. I’m having trouble keeping my hips from stuttering and our movements are getting more frantic again.

“Hurry, Chris.”

“You’re not ready.”

He groans. “I am. Just…hurry. Need you now.”

I reach out to grab a condom from the bedside table and grunt. “Fine. You’re gonna hurt though.” I fumble with the package.

He shakes his head. “Don’t care. Need you now. Now, baby. Now.”

I push his legs up and take a breath. Then I ease myself in. Slowly. Slowly. He’s so tight. I try to focus on the physical stuff. My emotions are flying all over the place. I love him. God, I love him. I’m overwhelmed with the intensity of being inside of him. My muscles are trembling with the effort of holding back and not just slamming into him like my instinct is telling me to. I try to keep my voice steady, but I don’t really succeed. “Okay, sweetie?”

He starts moaning softly. “Chris, oh, move, baby, move, please.”

My hips stutter forward, I just can’t help it. “I’m sorry!”

He shakes his head. “No! It’s okay. Move. Closer. Harder. Make me… lose… my mind.” He’s all out of breath now and he tries to hold onto me, tugging me closer. Closer. Until we just can’t anymore. I slam into him, hard, because I know he needs to feel it. I try to hold on, but I’m already falling apart here pretty fast.

“Chris.” Darren sounds wrecked. I kiss him hard and tug at his hands, keeping them above his head, entwining his fingers with mine.

I try to catch my breath. “Can you…come…just like this… baby? Just…like this?” I push into him pretty hard and he moans long and loud. I try to hit that same spot, over and over again and it’s the prettiest sight: watching him come undone, his body struggling beneath me. 

“Darren? Look at me. Open your eyes, honey, look at me.”

He does and then this hazel color is all that I can see. He fists the sheets, trying to hold back, but I know he’s there, almost toppling over the edge. There’s nothing I want more right now than to make him lose it. I want to make him lose his mind.

“Come for me, baby. Come on.” I tell him quietly, but he hears me anyway. Our eyes lock. _Let me blow your mind._

I hold onto him real tight. I can hardly move, I’m so close to him. I’ve never felt so desperate in my life. A few more thrusts and then he’s crying out, his come painting my belly and my chest and that’s what sends me right over. Gasping. Sobbing. Holding on to his body so tight. So tight. Nobody’s ever seen me lose my shit like this. Ever.

I collapse right on top of him, not able to keep my arms up any longer. After a few moments we can’t help but share lazy kisses, chests still heaving, gradually coming down from our high.

*

_Darren_

I want to tell him. I need to tell him how much I love him, but words aren’t enough right now. They seem to fail me somehow. It makes my heart ache. I’m shaking again. Damn.

“Chris.” I grab his neck and try to focus. “Chris.” My voice is hoarse. He grabs a handful of curls and tugs. It hurts, but the sting grounds me anyhow. It makes my head clearer.

“I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you.” There’s so much sweetness in the way he barely smiles. “I’ve got you, Dare, always, always.” He takes my hand and rubs his thumb across my wrist. “I’ve got you.”

My breathing is ragged and I’m restless but Chris’ touch calms me down.

“You’re mine. You’re mine now.” His breath is warm on my skin as he grunts the words into my ear. “You’re mine.”

*

_Darren_

I went pretty deep and I’m slipping in and out of sleep, my mind foggy and slow. Chris must have gotten up at some point, because all of a sudden I feel a warm washcloth cleaning me up and it warms my chest to have him taking care of me like that.

“Thanks, baby.”

His nose brushes my ear. “You’re welcome, sweetie. Now get some sleep. I’m right here with you.”

I feel him behind me, tugging me closer and I revel in his touch, letting his quiet breathing lull me to sleep.

-

I blink and try to open my eyes, failing miserably. I reach out. There’s nothing.  
“Chris?” My throat is soar, like I’m coming down with a cold and I have trouble swallowing. My voice is gravelly. “Chris?”

“I’m here, sweetie, I’m here.”

I turn around, clutching the sheets. I’m cold. “What’re you doing, babe? Come back to bed.”

He sits at the window, staring outside, sipping some tea. His eyes are gentle when he smiles at me. “Just thinking. Get back to sleep, honey.”

“Thinking?” That worries me.

He gets up and walks to the bed. It dips when he sits next to me. His fingers wander through my hair. “Nothing bad, baby. Just…” He smiles again. A lop-sided, half-smile that makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over again. Then he bends down and kisses me, soft and slow.

“I love you.” 

He brushes back a stray curl that bounces right back again. I lean into his touch. This is it. This thing everybody’s looking for, this thing that sometimes makes us humans do the shittiest, stupidest stuff. It’s right here. I can feel it, even when he’s talking to me without even looking at me. I can feel it when he tugs me close, his voice barely a whisper when he says it.

“I love you and we’re doing this. We are so doing this and we’re going to kick ass while we’re at it.”

And just like that, in the midst of all this crazy, I feel like I belong again. We are going to kick ass, hell yeah, we are.

*


End file.
